Our Favorite Letters of 2011

Readers sound off on Birthers, MC Hammer, Iron Maiden, and iPads.

Editor’s Note

Each year we compile some of the memorable letters, rants, and press releases we received during the prior twelve months. In the interest of verisimilitude, all spelling, punctuation, and grammar are the writers’ own.

The Many Uses of Print Media

Dearest East Bay Express,

Thanks for being awesome. I guess I’m just an old-fashioned girl, but I like to read an actual newspaper. I don’t enjoy sitting in front of a computer, and I don’t enjoy mainstream media.

I can read the express on the toilet, or at a coffee shop, or at work, w/o an iphone or some other over-stimulating techno-gadget. It’s always there & convenient. & once a week seems to be the perfect interval of time between issues, not to much, not too little.

And after I’m done w/ it, it can be wrapping paper or kindling or whatever, & articles can get cut out & sent to friends & my dad (in Nebraska) who all enjoy them too. It fits my needs perfectly.


Mollie Moorhead

The Royal Path to Sexual Well-Being

Many yoga instructors are becoming erotic yoga instructors? Certified Sexological Bodyworkers are state of California-approved professionals who assist individuals, couples, and groups to develop an erotic practice that combines meditation with profound somatic education. The erotic yoga we teach includes mindful breathing, savoring, sound, movement, touch, placement of attention, and awareness of intention. Check out the Express feature “The Wonk of Wank” online to learn more about this new profession. A committed daily practice–solo or coupled– is the royal path to sexual well-being.  

Joseph Kramer

Boycott American Women

Why American men should boycott American women


I am an American man, and I have decided to boycott American women. In a nutshell, American women are the most likely to cheat on you, to divorce you, to get fat, to steal half of your money in the divorce courts, don’t know how to cook or clean, don’t want to have children, etc. Therefore, what intelligent man would want to get involved with American women?

American women are generally immature, selfish, extremely arrogant and self-centered, mentally unstable, irresponsible, and highly unchaste. The behavior of most American women is utterly disgusting, to say the least.

This blog is my attempt to explain why I feel American women are inferior to foreign women (non-American women), and why American men should boycott American women, and date/marry only foreign (non-American) women.


Are you a man who is interested in marrying indian women? Please visit Indian-Wife.com, India’s 1st International Marriage Mail Order Bride Site:


Frank Jamese

The Return of the Metal Gods

In the spirit of extreme silliness and fun, here is a submission for your last issue of 2010, because I could not stop laughing at the wonderful letter by J. Kaplan on the subject of his requirement of “a photographed, autographed image of Jacob Ming-Trent as the Papa Ogre from Shrek!” (last year’s end-of -year letters). My favorite one now is the one in which Jean Quan is encouraged to bring herself and her Prius “out of the shadows”. I don’t agree with it, but it’s still so funny. Since you star-making Editors (thanks for all of the great metal group’s reviews you’ve done this year) failed to convey (with their wise and wonderful editorializing) the Iron Maiden Concert at the Sleep Train Pavilion on June 20th, 2010, here is mine, because one is needed.

First of all, June 20th, 2010 was an absolutely gorgeous day from sun-up to sunset. You may now hum Sunrise/Sunset, if you’d like. It was clean and bright and driven by gentle breezes with soft clouds: A perfect set-up for the return of classic metal group Iron Maiden. The show was opened up by Dream Theatre who infused the tastes of Dio and Yngwie Malmsteen into their carefully selected, well seasoned original music. Following a short break after their ample set, the swelling crowds of enthusiastic fans were treated to well over an hour and a half of non-stop energy and all enveloping music from six of the sexiest guys on the planet. They danced, ran, jumped, bounced, stretched and galloped across the expansive stage all while keeping expertly in time with their constantly changing panorama of tempos and dynamics.

Iron Maiden expends twice the energy of newcomers in just about any genre (except, perhaps, Hammer and his crew) such as the naughty preppy Katy Perry or the “We’re too hot to be cool!” teenage bands such as Death Cab for Cutie. Song after song, Maiden pummeled us with power packed material primarily from the new collection entitled The Last Frontier. Sparks flew, Jupiter aligned with Mars and spirits soared (bottled as well as inner ones!). Bruce Dickenson commanded the air waves and ordered all to stop “cramming your ears with those bloody cotton balls and just go and get the new C.D. for Chrissake!”

So much has already been said about their style, their instruments, their rigs, etc. But what about the Iron Maiden experience? How to contain ourselves in the presence of such magnanimity, such force, such magnificence? For example, if anxiousness or restlessness occurs while trying to keep up with the constant changing of the Inner Maidens (Bruce, Steve, Nikko and Janick) a balance of the nerves can be re-established by breathing ten times as normal. Then one must shift attention to the two anchor Maidens, Dave and Adrian, and allow their calming and composed demeanors to help lower the blood pressure and relax the arteries.

When he is sufficiently well-enough to continue with the show; only then can the strong hunting binoculars be brought to the eyes to feast upon lightning glimpses of things such as the Shiva trance dancing of tall, lanky, blonde bombshell Janick Gers. As difficult as it is to choose from one moment to the next just who to watch, one must ultimately decide, and in so doing, make the sacrifice of missing, for example, the handsome Steve Harris re-adjust his settings while propping up a long beautiful leg on the monitors.

It is, however, possible, to observe the stage, the big screen or one’s personal telescope, high atop the pavilions’ hillside, thereby taking in even more of the event all at the same time. It is not to be enjoyed selfishly either, but must, of necessity flow out to all living beings in the parking lot, the bathrooms, the hot dog stand and on the bus or BART. Even one’s dog should receive a special treat for waiting in the car for you.

One needs also to extend compassion towards those who post themselves near the gates brandishing Bibles and openly condemning heavy metal. What is wrong? Have they never heard Bruce’s beautiful angelic voice singing “Revelations”? These nay-sayers need to be reminded that their very own country darling, Carrie Underwood, sang “Jesus, take the wheel” while draped in a thigh-length lampshade and stood on four inch stilettos (fire engine red, at that!) No metal heads were to be found, even though it would have been surely justified, standing by the stadium fringes chanting “Jeezus, take the heels!”

No, we know where our affections and aims lie. We are one in heart, spirit and mind. The Maiden its world of Irons are here to stay, awaiting the return of the metal gods in some future yet to be decided, time and place.

Tao Matthews, Oakland

Granny Growers Unite

“Hey, I’m a Grandma”

Re:  (Disclaimer: keep all edible marijuana products away from pets, kids, and grandmas.)

Granny growers unite!

by the way, does anyone know how I might sell 2 lbs of organic bud-butter that I made recently?  It’s one oz organicacally grown baby buds to 1 lb organic locally produced butter. Should have some value to someone…..


granny grower, Kayla

Humanity’s Next Cycle

In October 1981, we entered Humanity’s Next Cycle. We have entered the Age Of Woman. Last will be made first, highest will be made lowest. The life of every poor person on this earth is of infinite value. No door will be closed to a poor person. No poorperson will be in a locked room. There will be peace in this world.

Leland Mellott

Seeking Advice

I have always wanted an iPad and thought I would wait a few months from release date before getting one. However, I have now learnt that the current iPad only has 256MB of RAM memory. This concerns me a lot as the new iPhone 4 has double (512MB). It concerns me as I currently have an iPhone 3G which doesnt function on iOS 4 and I do not want to have an obsolete iPad in 18 months.

I have bought a zenithink Andriod 2.2 Tablet PC I dont want to wait until this time next year for iPad 2, but I dont want to buy an iPad now if a new one is coming out around December 2010/January 2011.

For those who have yet to buy but plan to, what are your advice?

Buy Now? Or Wait?



Terrible News

unfortunately, some terrible news:

he’s back!!!!

downtown los angeles april 25th

lock up your local priest!

hug your bible!

press your crucifix to your heart!

get down under your bed & pray!!!!

the STORM is coming..


next up: 

rare exquisite HEXENTRUPP merchandise 

& more Bastian Damascus in the flesh!



instead of checking on your friends 

current bathroom-status on facebook & twitter again, 

invest ten minutes in this: 


but be careful, 

you might learn something important for once!

but no worri≠≠es, 

your computer will not explode..

Linus Raudsepp

I Am One Person That Loves Secret

hello sir ,can i do this urgent programm with you over my private life?

am too tired of royal life and will like to start afresh anywhere, however this will be a reality only if you can keep and know how to keep secret because i am one person that loves secret.

i am Fred Peters a nephew to Hassan Gaddafi the grand-son of Gaddafi, i am 20 years old and wish to solicit your help in securing valuable and cash which i intend to relocate for my private life considering the prevailling circumstances in our nation.

please i will need your urgent assistance to invest this huge amount for me at which i will count and depend on your sincerity and honesty for a viable investment for me.

i will be willing to see to the financing of the delivery of all packages to your country if i hear from you as well as your detail plan for inevesting this funds if i consider my sadd experience with a Chineese early last month.

We have been cut-off in southern Tripoli and i might not be able to travel immediately so i will need your urgent response to release the details of the parkages for your collection through the united nation operation forces that convayed this parkage to Armstadam.

and as soon as i hear from you, i ill give you further details regarding this deal as to its risk free and legitmecy of funds so you need not b afraid for any reason as your maximum co-operation will see our good days ahead..

Please this is a top secrete and should be handle with great secrecy Peters

fred peters

To All Birthers

To the editor:

To all Birthers (idiots):

1. Visit hawaii.gov.

2. Search for “Obama birth certificate”.

3. Click the top hit, “Statement by Dr. Chiyome Fukino – hawaii.gov“.

4. Shut up!


Excellent Goods

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Hammer, a True Local Hero

On a recent, long-overdue return visit to Oakland and Berkeley, I enjoyed reading the East Bay Express. During the 1960s, I had attended Oakland City College (now relocated from its original location on Martin Luther King Jr. Way and renamed Merritt College)

Just as Oakland has its Jack London Square named after the popular writer, it occurred to me that it would be nice to have one of your streets or parks named for another accomplished artistic son “from the Oak Town.” How about honoring MC Hammer with a street or a park? Perhaps Lake Merritt could be renamed “Lake Hammer.” All over this country, there are streets, avenues and boulevards named for Dr. King. Oakland could score another first with an “MC Hammer Avenue.”

Laurence Wiig, Hillsboro, Oregon


.. “off the grid”? .. hardly ..  more yuppie “foody” bullshit .. more yuppies in lines blocking foot and car traffic to stuff their faces .. another “delicious revolution” .. fart .. the bourgeoise takes to the streets .. fart .. it ‘s revolting alright .. will sit-lie apply to these slobs? ..  

carl martineau .. berkeley california

A Massive International Issue

For Immediate Release

June 16, 2011

Contact: Chad Kister: www.chadkister.com or 740-753-3888 or [email protected]m

The National Security Agency admitted putting a brain implant into Chad Kister, because they denied answering his FOIA request for documents about his own health (see page 2, paragraph 2 of their denial letter at www.chadkister.com).

Also, the Fourth District Court of Appeals for Ohio found that Auhor and Film Maker Chad Kister, who was incarcerated for 23 days for publicizing the brain implant that was put in him by the FBI against his will, did have grounds to appeal the decision to commit him.  The 49 page court ruling can be found easily with a google search of Chad Kister.

The NSA letter reads, “The classified nature of the National Security Agency’s efforts prevents us from either confirming or denying the existence of intelligent records responsive to you request, or whether any specific technique or method is employed in those efforts. The fact that the existence or non-existence of responseive records is a currently and properly classified matter…”

For the NSA to say that my own medical records are classified, and kept from me, shows how far we have gone to a Nazi dictatorship, where are government puts brain implants into those who protest in order to mind control them into complete subservience to the police state.

Kister appealed that decision on June 13, 2011, within the 60-day time period.

Kister’s appeal states that he has a right to his own medical records under the Universal Declaration on Human Rights, the Geneva Conventions, the Hippocratic Oath (because his doctors have also denied records except those in other countries), and it is a violation of his 5th Amendment Rights. This is because with these records, Kister could publish a book, warning the world of this nightmare to humanity and all life to come. While doing a public service, Kister would make money that is now being denied by the NSA’s refusal to give documents, a taking without compensation.

Kister also argues that national security would be improved by releasing the data, because with this, security codes are no longer safe, and people will be mind controlled into World War III.

“The United States is raping, torturing, terrorizing and thought policing it’s citizens in campaigns of aggressive assault and battery against those targeted by the goons in the FBI and Department of Homeland Security,” Kister said. “We live in a brutal, Gestapo dictatorship but it is hidden from public view with National Security Letters.”

Phone Calls to Chad Kister have not gone through, emails have not gone through, and his mail has been routinely stolen. FBI surveillance teams (better called Goon Squads) have broken into Kister’s house dozens of times. Most recently, Shawna Judson, who had rented a room in Kister’s upstairs hostel, broke in through the floors to Kister’s first floor apartment.

Kister went to Cuba, legally with a license to write a book on Hemmingway, and had a Cuban doctor confirm that he has a frontal sinus communication, another word for a brain implant. The Toronto police department wanted Kister to get the device removed at one of their hospitals to use it as evidence against the United States because it was violating Canadian privacy laws. But Canadian doctors were prevented from seeing Kister by CIA operatives who followed Kister around, terrorizing him.

Phone calls, emails and mail to Chad Kister have been illegally intercepted, and Kister has demanded action from the Athens County Sheriff’s office, which has has already put on notice that he intends to sue. Kister has already sued the Athens County Sheriff’s office successfully, as well as two other police agencies. On WAIS Athens County Sheriff Pat Kelly said, “Why don’t you get it out?” referring to the brain implant. Kister would like to get it out, and has had 7 doctors say that he has it, but the 5 US doctors were given National Security Letters and ordered not to give Kister a referral to a neural surgeon., Doctors outside the US said that they should talk with the doctors who put it in to know how to get it out, leaving Kister with a brain cancer causing, torturing mind control device.

Because of his intercepted phone calls and horrendous phone quality, Kister filed a lawsuit against AT&T through the Public Utilities Commission of Ohio. You can see the PUCO lawsuit on their website, as well as the Appeals Court Decision. The NSA appeal is at www.chadkister.com

Kister invited journalists and anyone else who does not want to break into Kister’s first floor apartment, to come and stay at his hostel, on the second floor of his house, to write about this massive international issue.

Chad Kister

A Shark and a Samaritan

hi there, My dog was lost over the weekend.. and Joe Pavelski’s (San Jose Shark #8) family found him.

I thought he was a real cool person for having done so… thought it was news worthy: http://blog.pawshpal.com/2011/11/06/happy-day-my-dog-cocoa-is-found/

TaeWoo Kim

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