Monster Bash

Evil space critters get ready to rumble in AVP.

Although most people in the moviegoing universe by now know the differences between an “Alien” and a “Predator,” putting the two critters together in one movie really ought to necessitate more specific species names for each, since both are technically aliens and predators (they’re from outer space and they hunt things). Still, if you’re one of the few who doesn’t have it straight: Aliens are black, phallic-looking, H.R. Giger-designed giant bugs who bleed acid, bear offspring that literally suck face and make their own forcible C-sections, and live in matriarchal societies where they serve a queen. Predators are Rastafarian-looking alpha-male reptiles designed by Stan Winston who have patriarchal hunter-gatherer societies (no female Pred has ever been shown onscreen), sport vaginal-looking mouths, and while honorable in combat, are heinously sore losers who tend to set off nuclear bombs if they’re ever defeated. Put the two races together, and you essentially have the battle of the sexes writ large.

Fans, comic-book creators, and video-game designers have been imagining wars between the two for years, ever since 1990’s Predator 2 ended by showing off a Predator spaceship’s trophy room complete with Alien skull. Now, after an even longer wait than Freddy and Jason fans had to endure, Alien Vs. Predator has finally hit the big screen. But is it any good? The fact that even the Los Angeles Times didn’t get an advance screening certainly didn’t bode well.

The most important thing to know about AVP is that it’s a Paul W.S. Anderson movie. Anderson’s name tends to polarize the geek fan-boy crowd tremendously. Much of the criticism tends to be because of budgetary issues that Anderson has no control over: Given his druthers, do you really think he would have wanted only one CG monster in Resident Evil? Fans familiar with the Alien and Predator comics from Dark Horse will likely berate Anderson again for the fact that the new movie is nowhere near as epic in scope, but we can’t have everything — part of the reason AVP finally got made is that Anderson pitched a story set in the budget-friendly setting and location of present-day Earth, rather than across galaxies to multiple futuristic planets. There is, however, one glorious image of swarms of Aliens attacking a small group of Predators on a pyramid that suggests what might happen next time if this movie makes the big bucks.

Fans of Anderson’s oeuvre will notice many of the British director’s favorite narrative devices. Like Mortal Kombat, the story begins with a ragtag bunch of misfits being assembled from around the world for a mysterious boat voyage, during which a wrinkle-faced character actor familiar to genre fans (Lance Henriksen in this case) sends them on a mission involving unknown dangers. As in Resident Evil, they must infiltrate a massive sealed underground structure full of death-traps, which, this time around, also happens to be an ancient temple full of monsters and skilled otherworldly warriors (Mortal Kombat again).

Henriksen plays Charles Bishop Weyland, whose name will be familiar to fans of the Aliens films as the cofounder of the evil, faceless Company responsible for most of the trouble in movies one to three. AVP reveals him to be the human inspiration for the Bishop android in Aliens, also played by Henriksen. The connection trips up a little, however, when it comes to Alien3, in which Henriksen portrayed an additional character who claimed he was the human inspiration for Bishop, and who in the extended DVD cut bleeds red, thus making clear he can’t be an android, as they bleed only white.

In order to maximize the audience demographics, our heroine is an ass-kicking intellectual black woman (Sanaa Lathan) who isn’t above flaunting a little cleavage even at the Antarctic, and our rating is PG-13, a first for Alien and Predator movies. This cuts down on the human gore factor, but thankfully the MPAA cares naught for the young’uns seeing space critters getting repeatedly disemboweled. The other characters are mostly expendable: Ewen Bremner doing his rote Scottish Doofus routine, Colin Salmon as Intimidating Black Dude. Hell, the monsters have more personality than the humans this time, from the self-mutilating Scar Predator (Ian Whyte, in a slightly subpar mask) to the mesh-marked Grid Alien (Tom Woodruff Jr.).

And the rest of the plot? You know what to expect. There are a few more nits for fans to pick, but overall, you get what you pay for.

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