Top of the Bottom

Feeder's year-end compendium of deeds, missteps, and statements worthy of further reflection. (Plus, it's an easy column to write.)

Geneva Convention? I thought you said Shriners Convention

After abuses of Iraqi prisoners became public, Boalt Law Professor John Yoo was identified as the coauthor of a Justice Department memo that argued that Taliban and Al-Qaeda prisoners weren’t covered by the Geneva Conventions. Critics said the memo paved the way for the subsequent torture of Iraqi prisoners. Yoo protested to the Chronicle that the president applied his advice only as it pertained to inmates at Guantanamo Bay, not to Iraqi combatants. Ah, those lucky Iraqis. FBI memos released this month detailed a long list of abuses at Gitmo, including the charming practice of putting lit cigarettes in prisoners’ ears.

I now pronounce you husband, husband, and sex slave

Same-sex couples flooded San Francisco City Hall to get hitched and do it just like the breeders do — sort of. One engaged couple posted this message to Craigslist at 1:56 a.m.: “Looking to meet up with another good-looking guy to watch us have sex and possibly join in. … Looking for now until we have to get to city hall at 10:00 a.m. to tie the knot.”

That’s right, America, I put out on the first date

Amber Frey, the mistress of convicted murderer Scott Peterson, had to admit under oath that she and Peterson had sex in his hotel room at the end of their first blind date.

No, I have nothing to hide — except for my role in the corruption scandal

After news broke that the feds were investigating state Senator Don Perata and his associates, Perata’s kids, Becca and Nick, insisted through their attorney that they had done nothing wrong. So people naturally wondered why Nick, wearing a skull mask, sped away in an SUV when federal agents raided his home.

Now that’s real irony, not rain-on-your-wedding-day irony

Because of the flu-vaccine shortage, panicky seniors stood in lines outside drugstores for hours in the hot August sun to survive one more flu season. While waiting, one 79-year-old Orinda woman collapsed, hit her head, and died.

Honest Injun, dishonest Injun — what’s the diff?

In its lawsuit to stop an Indian casino at Point Molate, Chevron eagerly joined forces with another tribe whose chief opposed the gaming venue because it would violate sacred burial grounds. Having a Native American tribe oppose the casino seemed like a deft public-relations move at first. It later turned out that Chevron’s Indian “chief” didn’t really represent the Ione Band of Miwoks, and that he had been trying for years to build a casino in the Bay Area.

Leading the news tonight — oops, excuse me, Leslie

After surviving thirty years weathering angry viewers, economic downturns, and even a stalker, KTVU anchorman Dennis Richmond faced his biggest career challenge yet in 2004: Chronic hiccups for at least two months.

No word yet on a wedding date for these two lovebirds

When Hustler ran a story about Mills College’s annual Fetish Ball in September, ex-Mills Professor Diana Russell, an antiporn crusader, was quoted in the school newspaper as saying of Larry Flynt, “I wish that this evil, misogynist man had died in his mother’s womb.” The Hustler publisher responded by declaring war on feminism in general and Russell in particular. The mag’s latest issue names her as its “Asshole of the Month,” and says her role in helping build Mills’ women’s studies department is “akin to Joseph Goebbels launching a communications department at Berlin University.”

The theory of spelling relativity

After receiving bad reviews for her mural with numerous misspellings in front of the Livermore Library, artist Maria Alquilar whined that she didn’t want to fix the $40,000 piece. Why? Because people hadn’t been very nice to her. “I just wasn’t left with a good feeling, like I would want to fix it for them,” she told the San Francisco Chronicle. This after Alquilar admitted she had realized while crafting the piece that she misspelled “Einstein” as “Eistein” but kept on going anyway. Alquilar later cooled off and agreed to fix the mural for $6,000, according to the Chron.

Michael Moore is a big fat idiot, and other observations

A month before the election, documentary filmmaker Michael Moore urged his minions in an e-mail to all but steal the DVD for Fahrenheit 9/11 in order to change the minds of undecided voters. But when the Peralta Community College District asked the film’s distributor, Lion’s Gate Films, for permission to air the film on its public-access channel, Lion’s Gate refused. According to district flack Jeff Heyman, the distribution company didn’t want to do anything to jeopardize a real cable deal. When Heyman pointed out that Lion’s Gate’s position contradicted what Moore had just told supporters, the company rep allegedly replied, “Fuck Michael, he doesn’t own the rights anymore.”

I promise to love, honor, and take a chair to the face

Hayward firefighter Craig Bueno, who also coaches Pee-Wee football, spent the late innings of an A’s game at the Coliseum heckling the Texas Rangers’ nearby bullpen. Bueno claimed that when things got heated and the Rangers relievers charged the area, he shielded his wife — that is until one of the pitchers flung a chair in his direction. “I ducked,” he said. “But then it hit Jennie.” Jennie, his wife, got bonked right in the nose and later complained of dizzy spells.

Now what do I do with this stupid Rose Bowl ticket and that $175-a-night hotel room I reserved in Los Angeles?

The BCS. ‘Nuff said.

Previous articleLeaning Sideways
Next articleLike a Rat
Support the East Bay Express, local news, donate

Newsletter sign-up

eLert sign-up

few clouds
54.5 ° F
58 °
51 °
58 %
20 %
62 °
63 °
66 °
75 °
67 °