The First Church of Oral and Piss

Plus how to protect the mattress from a squirter, and Dan's latest crush.

I’m a straight male college student in a relationship, which had been going great. The only incongruity was that, for a religious reason, I don’t want to have penetrative vaginal sex before marriage. I’m up for anything else — I would eat her out, piss on her, whatever — but not vaginal sex. I made this clear at the beginning. My girlfriend started bringing up how she wanted to have “actual” sex. I told her, “I love you, and if you need to fuck other guys, go for it.” To my relief, she was completely repulsed and offended by the suggestion.

A week later, she confessed that she had gone ahead and slept with someone. I had no idea I would be this hurt. I feel like I can’t trust her now, and I can’t bring myself to sleep in her bed anymore. I feel like a hypocrite since I brought up the idea of her sleeping with someone else in the first place. But I was unprepared for the reality since she berated me for making the proposal at all. Still, I feel like I don’t have a leg to stand on here; I told her to do this. She regrets the hookup. I don’t know if I’m even asking for advice. I just wonder if I’m acting childishly.

Wishing Ancillary Fucking Felt Less Emotionally Ruinous

Your dilemma is interesting, WAFFLER, but you know what I’m more interested in? I’d like to know which religion we’re talking about here. I’d really like to know which particular faith tradition frowns on vaginal intercourse before marriage but smiles on oral and piss scenes and okays women having vaginal intercourse before marriage but only with men they don’t intend to marry. That sounds like a church I’d like to visit.

That sounds like a church I should be tithing to.

Look, doing everything-but-vaginal for religious reasons is deeply silly. If you’re going to be in a sexual relationship, be in a sexual relationship. I promise you that any God who frowns on vaginal-before-marriage also frowns on piss-play-before-marriage and eating-pussy-before-marriage.

As for your dilemma, WAFFLER, either you need to find a girlfriend who wants what you want — or doesn’t want what you don’t want — or you need to stop playing bullshit games and start fucking the girl you’ve got.

To say that I have recently been bored at work is a gross understatement. I have turned it into an opportunity to read all the archived Savage Love columns I can find on the internet, which leads me to three questions that popped into my head while passing the time:

1. Your advice has always been sassy and matter-of-fact, but it seems to me that your advice is becoming less acidic as time passes. How has your attitude toward the sex-advice business changed over the years? How have your own views shifted?

2. Why don’t women brag about their clit size?

3. Are you still into Ashton Kutcher or do you have a new fantasy flame?

Your Devoted Reader

1. I get a lot of mail from people telling me I’ve changed. Half write to tell me that I’ve become an insufferably bitchy sacky twatty cunt prick, and half tell me I’ve gone soft, I’m too nice, I’ve lost my edge, etc. Not sure what to make of that. And while my views haven’t shifted much over the years, I have more sympathy for straight boys now than I did.

2. Clits aren’t inserted into anything — not typically — so a big clit doesn’t earn a woman any bragging rights. And a small clit, harder to locate and harder to stimulate, is nothing to brag about either. And while the clit — all of it, not just the exposed part — is central to a woman’s sexual pleasure, it’s not the showiest part of a woman’s package. That would be the labia. And it’s not the part a man is most interested in. That would be the vagina. So while the clit is hugely important to her, it’s not necessarily all that important to him. So … not much point in screaming and yelling about it, huh?

3. I still admire Ashton Kutcher’s work ethic — the man is an acting, producing, tweeting machine—but my crush on Ashton evaporated halfway through the first episode of Punk’d. My current celebrity crush is Bill Hader as Stefon on SNL’s “Weekend Update.”

I have recently started dating a sexually adventurous man. He is the first person to successfully fist me, and it’s fantastic. When I orgasm, both during the fisting and after the fisting while he fingers me, I squirt. Lots. Afterward, the sheets are soaked and I’m in a puddle. We’ve put towels down, but the sheer volume of liquid soaks through them. Without towels, it soaks all the way through to the mattress. I’m not super-pleased about ruining my mattress, and the postcoital sleeping on very wet sheets is not ideal.

I don’t really want to sleep on a plastic-wrapped mattress and change my sheets every time we have sex. Does anything exist that’s super-absorbent that I could put down during sex, or even something that might go under the sheets to at least protect the bed?

Wasting Endless Towels

The bed is a nice place to sleep, a good place to read, and an obvious place to fuck. But you can have sex elsewhere, WET, and you can acquire just-for-fucking furniture/furnishings without going to hell with the vaginal-before-marriage crowd. Instead of attempting to fist-and-squirt-proof your bed — which is impossible — go to a sporting-goods store and pick up a large, folding wrestling mat. Store it under the bed, WET, and when your sexy time involves fisting — and hopefully you’re not fisting every time you have sex — GET OUT OF BED, pull the mat out, throw some towels down, and fist and squirt to your heart’s content. Then when you’re all over — the towels, the mat, the floor — you’ll be able to crawl back into your warm, dry, comfortable bed.

Apparently Steve Jobs isn’t such a prude after all. The Savage Love iPhone app is now available on the iTunes store.

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