I spend an unhealthy amount of time at World Market. It’s right by the Express’ office, and, well, I often find myself craving 36 kinds of international sodas and measuring cups shaped like hedgehogs. And while I’ll be the first to admit that I am exactly the kind of person that World Market is catering to, even I have my limits. Hence, the following list describes the weirdest things for purchase at World Market.
I interviewed some cats. Really.
We’re number eight!
[jump] A Tablespoon of Nutella – $.99
This thimble-sized portion of Nutella (“The original hazelnut spread!”) is perfect for all the times you find yourself craving a topping for a single cracker or medium-sized grape. “Two grapes? No thank you, sir, I simply couldn’t!”
Also perfect for your next tea party with squirrels, when you find yourself thinking, “Noooo, all I have is people-sized portions of things! You’re just going to have to eat Oreos out of the trash like last time.” Then you remember the single-serving Nutella samples you bought and Christmas is saved once again.
A Bowl Specifically for Popcorn – $9.99–$19.99
Oh you eat popcorn out of a REGULAR bowl? HA ha, savage. I require the food product I am consuming to be written on the thing I am eating it out of, otherwise I get confused, which is how I found myself drinking spiced rum out of a fondue pot! Not only does this handy popcorn-serving bowl come with a label, at the bottom it also says “more popcorn please” so that I know to fill it with popcorn again once I am finished consuming all the popcorn! God, I respect this bowl.
Spoon Ornament – 2 for $5
Why would I decorate my tree with a snowman that a child from Guatemala made out of a pinecone when I could hang this replica of a spoon? Woodland critters are nice, but I think we can all agree that nothing is more aesthetically pleasing than the contours of the mighty spoon. Don’t you dare put glitter on it, World Market, the way you did with the other spoons you are selling as ornaments! The dull gleam of this spoon-like finish is all the bling I need. Shine on, my brightest diamond.
A Bundle of Sticks in the Shape of a Heart – $19.99
Nothing makes me open my wallet harder than a bundle of artfully arranged sticks glued together. Oh, is that glitter I see speckled throughout the arrangement? Here’s another $50. You work so hard.
Sweaters for Mugs (Set of Three) – $29.95
YOUR MUG IS NOT A SENTIENT BEING THAT IS SUBJECT TO WHIMS OF TEMPERATURE. Ooh, is that a flamingo?
Gangster Attire for Your Wine Bottle – $5.59
“Damn it feels good to be a gangster” — No wine bottle, ever
Turn your next party into a zoot suit RIOT! By lighting on fire the person who brings this.
Non-Alcoholic Beer for Dogs – $3.99
Look, we’ve all experienced the tragedy that is rampant alcoholism in dogs, but must we taunt them with bottle-shaped non-alcoholic beer? It’s hard enough to make it through the holidays sober without such cruel reminders for your little boozehound (OH I SEE WHAT THEY DID THERE).
Large Wooden Indonesian Gong – $79.99
“Signaling the end of a rhythm or the beginning of a ceremony, our Large Wooden Indonesian Gong from Bali is played by striking its suspended metal disc with a mallet to create a deep, resonating ring.” Thanks for the instructions on how gongs work! I was totes gonna use this to hold my popcorn. That would have been embarrassing! But not as embarrassing as you beating an Indonesian gong to start off your sad housewife drum circle.
Desktop Drum Set – $14.99
Speaking of drums, here’s a sign you’ll never see posted in your office break room: “Could we please have more people hitting tiny drums around the office? Christ, it’s delightful. And it fits right on the desk! I hereby nominate myself to host the next desktop jam session. I play a bitchin’ Wooden Indonesian Gong!”
Two carts full of drawer pulls – prices vary
“Susan! Quick, call Madison. Tell her she can stop her city-wide search for whimsical drawer pulls. We found 8,000 right here at World Market. Some even have glitter.”
Beach flavored (?) Hello Kitty soda – $1.99
If you hold a tropical Hello Kitty soda to your ear, you can hear the ocean.
Maple Syrup Bears Wearing Tiny Beanies – $14.99
You mean you’ve been enjoying your pancakes without the aid of this bear wearing a tiny hat? I pity you. [Ed. note: Please buy this for me.]
Crane Chopsticks Holder – $1.98
“Your chopsticks will never again touch the table.” THANK GOD. I’ve been cooking a lot of meth on my table and it’s really been inhibiting my enjoyment of Asian cuisine.
Cone of Shame Keychain – $6.99
“Hey Sally! Remember when your dog was horribly injured and had to wear a cone on its head? Well, we’ve pitched in to get you this $7 keychain to remind you of that experience for the rest of your days, or at least until these super-great LED lights go out, so probably a month. Happy CONE-ukkah!”
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