Queen of Hearts

Does size matter? So what if it does?

Dear Queen of Hearts,
Does size matter? How about a survey? I’d love to hear comments from women as well as from men who are as shortchanged as I! Four, maybe 4 1/2 inches when fully, super-aroused, flaming erect. Also, my girth leaves a bit to be desired. Yes, I do make up for it with plenty of pussy eating, licking behind the knees, sucking and kissing the nape of my lover’s neck, sucking her toes before I lie on my back and let her grind away on top of my wee cock! By the way, guys, if you’re built small, woman superior position is the best way for her to get the most (if you’ll pardon the expression) out of fucking you. So please, Queen of Hearts, read the enclosed brochure, which I received after calling an 800 number. Are they full of crap? Is it safe? Most men are 5 1/2 to 6″. I’d love to have an extra inch or two. I don’t want or need a 10-inch John Holmes–just a little more!
–Teeny Peenie in Moraga

Dear TP,
The ingredients of the penis-lengthening product advertised in the brochure are mostly stimulants–whether they’re safe depends a lot on your overall health. There are so many different stimulants here that you might find it hard to sleep while using it. One ingredient, “Orchic Substance,” is a fancy-ass way of saying “Testicle Meat”–myself, unless I was a big Rocky Mountain Oyster fan, I’d want to know whose testicles those were. And speaking of oysters, those are on the list, too–one of the oldest of old wives’ tales gives oysters aphrodisiac properties, though there’s no scientific proof of this. The product is almost certain not to work as advertised: that is, as a penis enlarger. The brochure employs a frosting of apparent (but mostly wrong) science to cover a cake of total nonsense, all designed to make even average-size guys feel inadequate. “What women really want is a BIGGER man” … “NOTHING beats the look on my lover’s face as she sees [my penis] for the first time … watching her gasp … almost in disbelief … with a slight look of fear in her eyes.” “Your penis is EXTREMELY unfit and smaller than what it could be….” “[Our product will] strengthen and harden your erections like a length of STEEL PIPE!”

It’s true that some women prefer having intercourse with a man who has an above-average-sized penis. It’s equally true that some women find sex painful with guys who have over seven inches. It sounds as though the brochure-writer wouldn’t find that a problem, since he relishes fear in a woman’s eyes and wants to compare a supposedly improved erection to a steel pipe–but if you are bothering to keep a woman happy by sucking her toes, I don’t think you’re the kind of man who wants to hurt his lover during intercourse. Quite frankly, I’ve never heard of a woman who used steel pipe for a dildo, and if that’s what women wanted, a lot of us would be out raiding the construction sites. I’ve never seen a piece of reputable research that reported the findings the brochure quotes, and since I am 99.9% sure they made up all their other statistics, it’s very possible they fabricated the one that says size matters to “67 percent of women.” A more important question than “What do women want?” is “What does the woman in your life want?” It’s possible she is constantly grumbling about your size, but I doubt it; if she were, I think you would have mentioned it in your letter. Also, you’re keeping her pretty busy by licking behind her knees. (I can hear the wheels turn in many of my female readers’ minds: “Should I be looking for a guy with a smaller penis? That sounds like pretty grand treatment!”)

There is a great myth that all women like penetration with large penises or toys, while in fact many dildo shoppers, for instance, go for smaller sizes–and, of course, in your play with your partner, you could always use toys of varying sizes. That is, of course, if she wants that. But if she’s hopping on top and thrusting away, she’s probably pretty happy right now.

So far, there is no foolproof way to increase penis size. Even the penis-lengthening surgery done by some surgeons, in which the suspensory ligament is cut, can result in scarring and apparent shrinkage. If the product advertised by the brochure you ordered were on the level, everybody at the sex therapists’ conferences would be talking, but they aren’t. You are already making the best of what you have, and unless a truly safe and effective breakthrough comes along, I’d recommend that you make friends with your penis just the way it is. And if you do take advantage of a future “medical miracle,” don’t think that gives you an excuse to stop sucking her toes.

Dear Readers,
National Masturbation Month is drawing to a close! But there’s still plenty to do to celebrate. Pick any time until the end of the month for your own Masturbate-A-Thon–get a pledge sheet at Good Vibes or from its Web site, www.goodvibes.com. Get pledges, do your thing, raise money for charity. While at the site, vote for inductees into the Masturbation Hall of Fame–I’ll announce the winners at the Parkway Theater on May 26. The Parkway (www.picturepubpizza.com) is hosting “Pleasure Activists,” my video clip show about masturbation education and enhancement. Tickets are available only at the Parkway. Finally, I’ve been hosting great guests on Good Vibes’ Internet TV talk show, GVTV. See “Destination Masturbation” on the Masturbation Month page at the GV Web site.

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