Dear Readers: Gracias to all of ustedes who submitted pictures for my racist Mexican restaurant logo contest — they were all muy bueno. Winners will be announced in a couple of weeks. In the meanwhile, say a spicy bienvenidos to readers of Las Vegas CityLife, the latest paper to carry the Mexican. In honor of this achievement, your humble wab focuses his keyboard on the one topic equally obsessed over by gabachos and Mexicans — sex!
Dear Mexican: Why can’t I get a Mexican woman to swallow my cream?
Why don’t Mexican girls swallow? My girlfriend is Mexican, and she gives great head, but at the penultimate moment she chokes and spits. Gross! So, she won’t fuck because she wants to be a virgin when she weds, she won’t take it up the ass no matter what you say, and she says no Mexican girls will swallow and to stop telling her it tastes like mole. What gives?
Gabacho Ice Cream Cone
Dear Guys: Hate to break it to ustedes and the dozens of cabrones who send the Mexican this question, but few women of any ethnicity like to swig semen. Various studies attest to this aversion — the most cited, a 1983 survey of 6,000 couples by Phillip Blumstein and Pepper Schwartz, found only 20 percent of ladies did the deed. But if you pendejos find that Mexican women are less prone to ingesting jizz than gabachas, blame the natural progression of history. According to 1994’s The Social Organization of Sexuality: Sexual Practices in the United States, “The emergence of oral sex as a widespread technique practiced by opposite-gender sex partners probably began in the 1920s.” Everyone knows Mexico is at least a century behind the United States in everything — economic infrastructure, potable water, securing its southern border — so it follows we’d be remiss in sexy business, también. So step into modernity, mujeres, and start chugging mecos — you owe it to your raza.
I am a 22-year-old gay Chicano, and I love Mexican men. I’m everything a gay Mexican could wish for. I work full-time. I don’t do drugs. But all the gay Mexican hombres in Kansas City just want white guys! I think this might because in Mexico, the only white people these guys see are tourists, so Mexicans view gabachos as having money and offering a better opportunity for a successful relationship. Why can’t I get a nice Mexican guy? Should I assimilate more to white standards because I always speak Spanish with the guys I meet, I always want to make enchiladas and horchata, and I use Suavitel with Ariel laundry detergent? If any cute, nice Mexican gays should read this, give a Chicano a chance!
Mariposa Sin Estar Descubrido
Dear Butterfly without Getting Discovered: So you work full-time and don’t do drugs. Big deal. I know muchos gays who fit that description and ain’t getting Mexican male ass, either. I can tell you how to score more brown nalgas, but you seem too nice for the Marines. And don’t worry, Butterfly. Although I sympathize with your plight, I also see hope. I get many letters from straight beaners moaning about how Mexican men and women eschew their own kind in favor of gabachos. Your case is further proof that jotos can be as superficial as Mexican heteros — an important first step in the battle to improve the status of gays in Mexico from “target practice” to “human trash.”