Editor’s Note: We’re so fascinated by the cult of fandom surrounding Ryan Christopher Parks, lead singer of the indie band B. Hamilton, that we’ve invited his alter-ego to start an advice column for the clueless and the culturally ostracized. For this edition, he’s focused on etiquette.
Dear Ron Kristophone,
Like many of your readers, I am an unemployed twentysomething Berkeley graduate who is trying everything to get a job. Luck struck last Friday when I finally got a call back from a kind of “Groupon meets Arab Arms Dealer” start up in the city for an administrative assistant position! The only problem is, all my pants have giant holes in the crotch. I’m too broke to buy new ones and too unskilled to sew them. I’m afraid my balls might pop out mid interview, despite crossing my legs or diverting their attention with magic tricks. What should I do!?