California’s Budget Woes Could Be Over

State auditors discover that the prison guards union has been getting more money than previously known. Plus, John Yoo is finally arrested, and the A's are about to be sold.

California could be literally sitting on billions of dollars it
didn’t know it had, according to a little-noticed report that came out
last week. The cash had been hidden by members of the incredibly
well-financed and politically omnipotent state prison guard’s union.
The guard’s union, which prides itself on having some of the greediest
sons of bitches on the public payroll, has reportedly been skimming
money for years from the prison system’s costly and controversial
Healthy Meals and Healthy Bodies Equals Healthy Minds program.

Apparently worried both about leaving a paper trail and about the
solvency of banks during the credit crisis, the union reportedly turned
the program’s funds into cash and then stuffed wads of it into
jailhouse mattresses. To keep prisoners from suspecting anything, the
guards told them that the extra bumps in their beds were part of the
governor’s much decried Fluffy Mattresses Make for a Better Prisoners’
Night Sleep program.

The amount of hidden cash could be staggering now that California
has imprisoned more than half of its population. According to the
latest is figures, there are more than 20 million Californians behind
bars, and if each mattress contains $1,000 — and they’re expected
to have far more than that — then it could amount to more than
$20 billion. That’s more than enough to solve the state budget problems
for the next 24 hours.

The question is whether state auditors can get to the money fast
enough. In fact, Governor Schwarzenegger is seriously considering a
massive statewide hiring program to bring in hordes of temporary
workers to retrieve all the money. But Democrats say the governor’s
plan represents a slap in the face to unions, and could lead to
system-wide riots, with short-sleeved auditors trying to extract wads
of cash from dangerous prisoners and Taser-wielding guards. “If anybody
fucks with us, heads are gonna roll,” prison guard’s union spokesman
Jack Stonebreaker told the Los Angeles Tribune, the
once-respected newspaper that broke the story despite only having a
staff of 1.5 reporters. “This is our house.”

John Yoo Captured in Spain

Notorious UC Berkeley law professor John Yoo was captured in Spain
last week, and reportedly has been subjected to that country’s idea of
“enhanced interrogation techniques.” Spanish authorities have
reportedly forced Yoo to listen to many of President George W. Bush’s
inane malapropisms at excruciatingly high decibel levels. The
university scholar is said to have been driven over the brink from Bush
shouting: “Is Our Children Learning? Is Our Children Learning?”

Yoo, who authored the infamous “Torture Memos” while working for the
Bush administration, had decided to take a flight that made a stopover
in Madrid despite Spain’s decision last month to issue a warrant for
his arrest. A Spanish court had been seeking Yoo on war crimes charges
for his role in authorizing torture. Once Spanish authorities learned
that Yoo was on the plane, they quickly descended on him. Yoo was said
to have yelled, “Academic Freedom. Academic Freedom,” when authorities
arrested him. Spanish officials then had to remind Yoo that he had
gotten the law all wrong again.

At the time of his capture, Yoo was said to be heading for a top
secret meeting with former high-ranking members of the Bush
administration, including Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, David
Addington, and Scooter Libby. The group reportedly was to meet at
Cheney’s new undisclosed location. But the hideout may remain a mystery
because the Spaniards’ “harsh methods” — just like the Americans’
— didn’t work. After days of listening to Bush’s deafening voice,
Yoo’s mind is said to be even more damaged than it was before, and he
has yet to give up any vital or new information. “Turn it off. Turn it
off,” he reportedly keeps crying. “Bush is a moron. Bush is a
MORON.”

A’s to Swap Frat Boy Owners

Speaking of the former president, Bush is reportedly leading a team
of investors who want to purchase the Oakland A’s. As a onetime owner
of the Texas Rangers, Bush is said to be anxious to get back among his
intellectual peers — Major League Baseball owners. Bush also has
told reporters that he can’t wait to shit on the City of Oakland and
the team’s fans, noting that after watching other A’s owners do it over
and over again, he wanted to “get in on all the fun, too.” He also is
said to want revenge for Oakland’s support of Barbara Lee.

Bush is reportedly ready to jettison the team’s plans to move to San
Jose. The former president says he has a better spot in mind:
Guantanamo Bay Prison. Bush noted that Cubans are rabid baseball fans
and players and that the former torture chamber is only ninety miles
from Florida. “If Obama closes Gitmo and normalizes relations with
Cuba, this is a perfect place for baseball.” 

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