I am a 28-year-old woman who has been with my boyfriend for two
years. I would call it a stable, fulfilling, and kinky relationship. I
consider myself GGG, and every time my boyfriend has brought up a kink
or variation, I’ve been willing to try it. Some things became a
permanent part in our play, others have gone into the “tried that,
didn’t like it” pile without any problems.
Recently, though, there has been a problem.
Eight years ago, I was raped. I have had counseling, but I am
still sometimes troubled by nightmares and flashbacks. My boyfriend
knows this. Lately, though, he has expressed a desire to explore rape
scenarios. His ideal setup would be to obtain my consent in advance,
then, sometime when the mood struck him, he would “attack” and take me,
and I couldn’t say no or use a safe word. Once the “rape” started, he
could do whatever he wanted, and I would not be able to stop
it.
I don’t think I can do this, not without sending me into
flashbacks. I told him that and, as this is the only time I have
flat-out refused to even try one of his ideas, I hoped that would be
the end of it. It hasn’t been. He has been pressing it more and more,
and there have been times when I’ve had to leave the apartment, I’ve
felt so threatened. I’ve told him that if he keeps pressuring me like
this, I will end the relationship. He’s told me that by threatening to
leave him, I’m manipulating him, and that I have no regard for his
needs. But I just can’t let him rape me, even in play. Am I really
being out of line for not giving in to him on this issue and telling
him that continued pressure for this would end our
relationship?
Needs Her Boundaries
Dump the motherfucker already.
Someone who has experienced a shattering sexual trauma — rape,
abuse, a world-class betrayal — has to make a good-faith effort
to put the pieces back together again before entering into a new sexual
and/or romantic relationship. We all have a right to expect emotional
support from our partners, but our partners have a right to expect that
we will be able to meet their reasonable sexual needs.
You did all the right things after you were raped, NHB. You got
counseling, you got yourself together, and you entered this new
relationship ready to be sexual and more than capable of meeting your
partner’s reasonable sexual needs. You are, however, suffering from
some common aftereffects of sexual trauma — nightmares,
flashbacks — that you do not have to apologize for and that he
has to be considerate of.
And considering your history — and considering that your
boyfriend knew about your history going into this relationship —
ruling out rape play is perfectly reasonable on your part and should
have been expected on his. Had this conflict ended with your refusal
— even if it elicited a little sulking and douchebaggery on your
boyfriend’s part — I wouldn’t be telling you to DTMFA. This rises
to the level of DTMFA for two reasons.
First, no safe word? Unreasonable. No way for you to call a stop to
it? What if he decides to rape you when you have the flu? Or when your
parents are in the next room? What if your fucking appendix bursts in
the middle of this “scene”? While some rape victims — excuse me:
survivors — develop rape fantasies, those fantasies are
paradoxically about control; the “victim” in a fantasy rape scenario
gets to pick her “rapist,” decides the hour and circumstances, and can
call a halt to it at any time. A rape role-play scenario you can’t stop
when you decide you’re done isn’t just a rape role-play scenario. It’s
potentially rape. Just say no.
Second, the pressure. Stitch together all the red flags in China and
you won’t have one as large the one your boyfriend has raised. He’s
pressuring you to consent to sex that he knows is highly likely to
leave you feeling traumatized. His unwillingness to drop this, NHB,
suggests a desire on his part to traumatize you for real, not for
pretend. And if you’re already leaving the house because you feel
unsafe, I would suggest that he’s already succeeded in traumatizing
you.
You thought this was “a stable, fulfilling, and kinky relationship,”
NHB. You were mistaken. DTMFA.
I’m a seventeen-year-old high-school student, male, into foot
worship and humiliation. I’m having problems separating my desire to be
humiliated sexually from a willingness to be humiliated socially. A
girl is using me as her “fallback.” I like “Nancy” a lot more than she
likes me. I was in a relationship with another girl, and that’s when
Nancy told me she loved me. So I broke up with my girlfriend, but now
Nancy is unwilling to date me. I think she just enjoys having control
over me. Nancy is also the only girl I get to indulge my foot fantasies
with. The problem is, this gives me the thrill of humiliation, but it
means I’m not getting off, yet I’m too turned on to help
myself.
Anonymous Foot Slave
You’ve got a pretty good handle on what’s going on here: Nancy
doesn’t want you for a boyfriend, but she enjoys the control she has
over you. You’re not even her fallback guy, AFS. You’re merely living,
breathing, foot-worshiping proof that she’s sexually attractive and, by
putting up with her shit, you give her a palpable sense of how powerful
that is and she is.
So knowing that, what the hell do you do?
Seeing as you get to indulge your foot fantasies with Nancy,
something you weren’t able to do with your previous girlfriend(s), I
think you should keep seeing Nancy. But resolve to see her differently.
She’s using you, right? Use her right back: Get your foot fantasies
indulged, enjoy the thrill of being humiliated, then go home and beat
off. But remind yourself, after you’ve come, that she’s not your
girlfriend and never will be. And resolve to go to college far, far
away from this Nancy person, and never speak to her again.
My husband and I were married in a beautiful ceremony a few weeks
ago. He’s a transman, and while neither of us hides in any closets, it
hadn’t occurred to us to specifically tell my parents that he’s trans
— he lives his life as the man that he is. One of my mother’s
sisters, however, loves starting drama. She did a bit of online digging
and found out that he’s trans, and she started informing family
members. Now we’re facing family holidays with the knowledge that she
may make a scene. How do we deal with this situation? There’s simply
not much chance that we can get my parents alone to discuss it before
the holidays.
Female Takes Male
Your aunt can use your husband’s status as a transman as a club
— a beat-you-with club, not a golf-and-cocktails club —
only as long as you’re not being fully truthful about it, which is
sometimes referred to as being “closeted.” Your only choice now is to
get out in front of this, FTM. Tell your parents, tell your extended
family — tell them now (perhaps in a letter), tell them why you
didn’t tell them then (not relevant, none of their business), and tell
them why you’re telling them now (aunt so-and-so is a ripe, royal
cunt).
