We know you’ve been breathlessly waiting for the Express endorsements, and while we generally leave the thinking to you, dear reader, we just can’t pass up the opportunity to help Fairfield’s favorite son, congressional write-in candidate Jeff Ketelson. Running to unseat that dangerous demagogue Ellen Tauscher, Ketelson promises to bring a refreshing dose of sanity to the tenth congressional district. Did you know, for example, that Tauscher is the “self-proclaimed leader of the homosexual civil rights movement?” That’s what Ketelson has been saying over and over, to unsuspecting homeowners throughout Contra Costa County.
According to the Contra Costa Times, Ketelson has been blanketing county homes with “robocalls,” prerecorded phone messages that accuse Tauscher of leading a cabal of marriage-minded sodomites in the nation’s capital. Ketelson ends the message with a sing-songy little ditty: “Ketelson won’t marry no gays, Ellen Tauscher go away.” (We love the rampant homophobia, Jeff, but the substandard grammar just won’t do.) But why read the lies of the liberal media, when you can get the gospel truth straight from Ketelson himself? His campaign web site is chockfull of such wisdom, including a campaign commercial titled “Sex in Washington,” in which a clip of Ellen Tauscher proclaiming, “We’re all in each other’s knickers” is interspersed with shots of Mark Foley and hairless homos pouting for the camera. “I’m Jim Ketelson,” the great man declares at the end, “and I approve this message – and of Christian family values.”
We know what you’re thinking: “Why are you wasting my time with this fringe basketcase?” But in 2004, Ketelson was actually the Republican Party’s candidate against Tauscher, and more than 95,000 people pulled the lever for him. We say 2006 is Ketelson’s year. If we all do our part, we can put Jeff Ketelson in Congress where he belongs, rooting out fruity aides who prey on our innocent page boys.