The Boyfriend in the Pink Jacket

Plus three-way hookups and assessing sexual compatibility.

I’m a 20-year-old girl, and I’ve been dating my boyfriend, who is
23, for two years. From the get-go, he has known that I am bi, and like
most straight guys, he’s happy to be with a girl who likes
girls.

The thing is, I am too shy to go out and hit on a girl. Getting a
man was the easy part, but getting a girl who is willing to fuck around
not only with me but also with my boyfriend is a daunting task. I
encourage my boyfriend to talk to women since he is good eye candy. But
I get kinda sorta jealous when he actually goes and talks to other
women. It’s a weird game that gives me a headache. All I want is to
satisfy my cravings for a woman — is that too much to ask? Am I
just being selfish? Why can’t girls just appear in my bedroom?

Crazy About Girls Eternally

Because you’re not Logan, CAGE, and there’s no such thing as the
Circuit (www.tinyurl.com/cfj89d) — not
yet, anyway, even if the Internet kinda sorta comes close.

If watching your boyfriend hit on girls — ostensibly on your
behalf — gives you a headache and makes you jealous, then you’re
going to have to learn to hit on girls yourself, CAGE, either in person
or online. And you might have more success landing a willing bisexual
girl — a girl who’s interested in you and your boyfriend —
if you made the passes.

Nice, sexually adventurous girls approached by 23-year-old pieces of
male eye candy about two-girls/one-guy threesomes will assume that it’s
about Eye Candy’s fantasies, not the girlfriend’s. And if you’re
hanging back, looking uncomfortable, jealous, and headachy, even a girl
who might be up for a threesome is going to read reluctance into your
demeanor, presume your boyfriend is pressuring you, and politely
decline. Or she’s going to think you have the swine flu and
decline.

If you want pussy, CAGE, you’ll have to take the lead. Remember:
It’s okay to be geeky and inept and awkward when you’re hitting on
someone; some people think it’s cute, and smooth is overrated when it
comes to making passes. (Your boyfriend sounds pretty smooth —
what has it gotten you?) Practice a few cheesy lines, something direct
and truthful, something along the lines of, “We think you’re really
hot, and we’ve always wanted to have a threesome” — and just
blurt it out at the next pretty, flirty girl who crosses your paths. If
you can’t do that, post personal ads online and flirt via e-mail. There
are a lot of couples online looking for thirds, CAGE, and you’ll
increase your odds of success if you offer to be a couple’s third in
exchange for the woman in the couple taking a turn as the third for you
and your boyfriend.

Of course, that might make your boyfriend jealous — but it’s
his turn, right?

I’m a straight female in her early 20s, currently engaged to a
handsome man three years older. We’re very happy and we have a strong,
healthy relationship, but lately I’ve been worried about one question:
Considering my limited previous sexual experience (before him, it was
oral only), is it still possible to have a long, enjoyable sex life
with him? I’ve gotten some (well-intentioned, I’m sure) advice that
suggests that we are both making mistakes. I can’t have a satisfying
sex life without being able to compare him to anyone else, I’m told,
and he’s making a huge mistake by pairing up with a less experienced
partner. I hope that the individuals telling me this are wrong.

I have absolutely zero interest in opening up this relationship,
and I do my best to be GGG. He says I’m a great lover and a lot more
confident in bed now compared to when we first made love, but I want to
improve. Still, I don’t want to find out down the road that we made a
mistake.

Negligible Experience With Boning

Are you happy? Is he happy? That’s all that matters. Just keep those
lines of communication open, NEWB, while you continue to explore your
sexualities together. And remind yourself every once in a while that
even the less experienced partner in a relationship is allowed to have
likes and dislikes, offer constructive criticisms, and make suggestions
— and sometimes demands. And anyone who is being GGG for her
partner has every right to expect GGG from her partner.

Finally, tell the “friends” who’re offering you such unhelpful
advice — tell those underminers — to go fuck themselves.
Some people need to sleep around a bit before they realize what they
like and whom they want. That’s not the case for everyone. And there
are plenty of men and women out there in miserable, sexually
dysfunctional marriages who met after both had plenty of
experience.

I have a small problem. My niece is 14, and the other day I met
her boyfriend. He’s a sweet boy, with double-pierced ears and amazing
fashion sense. My niece fell for him when she saw him sporting a pink
jacket in the hallway of school, which is, of course, the reason my
niece likes him. What teenage girl wouldn’t want someone to go shopping
with? As a middle-aged homosexual myself, I can spot a proto-queer a
mile away. Needless to say, my sister loves the boy — he’s a
perfect gentleman. I’m inclined to let it be. They’re only 14; what
harm could it do? Then I worry, what if this goes on for years? I don’t
want her to get hurt. Then again, this boy could just grow up to be a
Felix Unger–type heterosexual. Any advice?

A Caring Loving Uncle

It’s comforting to think that your niece is safe with this boy,
seeing as he’s a perfect little gentleman now and likely to be a
perfect little pillow-chomping bottom when he grows up (or one of those
rare fashion-forward tops). But a study conducted by the University of
British Columbia found that gay and lesbian youth — closeted or
otherwise — were more likely to get pregnant/impregnate than
their straight peers. Because nothing says “I’M NOT GAY!” like a
knocked-up 14-year-old girlfriend.

So here’s what I’d do if I were you, ACLU: Pull the boy aside for a
chat. Begin with, “You seem like a nice kid,” and then let him have it:
“But if you get my niece pregnant, I will kill you.” Now pay attention
to the italicized bits in what comes next: “I’d rather you didn’t fuck
her — she’s 14, so are you — but if you need condoms or
advice about anything, don’t hesitate to ask. I won’t repeat anything
you ask me about to my sister. And don’t think I won’t kick your ass
just because I’m gay. I can and I will. Oh, and love the jacket —
where did you get it?”

The boy will emerge from this harrowing chat aware that his
girlfriend has potentially violent family members who are watching out
for her — something all 14-year-old boyfriends should be made
aware of — and that he can confide in you, the involved gay
uncle, privately and about anything. It’s unlikely that he’ll seize the
opportunity to come out to you, ACLU, and it’s important that you
accept the premise of his heterosexuality (however improbable it might
seem) before, during, and after your talk. You’ll be nudging him in the
direction of coming out to someone, at some point, by setting an
example, ACLU, while decreasing the odds that he will do real and
lasting harm — read: teen pregnancy — to your niece.

As for breaking her heart, well … you can’t protect her from that,
and you shouldn’t bother to try. That’s what comes with being 14.

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