Or 20 lines about 20 racehorses. Just in time to put your bet down for the 135th running of the Kentucky Derby. Hint: Sentiment and $5 will get you a beer and a torn up betting slip.
We’ll take it by post position order:
(1) West Side Bernie: Will start 15th and finish 10th.
(2) Musket Man: Wants to move from mid-pack to the front, just like ten other horses today, a mis-fire.
(3) Mr. Hot Stuff: I can probably outrun him.
(4) Advice: Closing tactics beat cheap speed horses, too bad there’s only one of those entered here today.
(5) Hold Me Back: My winner, big payoff too.
(6) Friesan Fire: Today’s trendy pick will pass fading speed and get passed by charging closers at the mile.
(7) Papa Clem: Third all the way around.
(8) Mine That Bird: Can’t win in New Mexico, won’t in Kentucky either.
(9) Join in the Dance: After early lead will never be hear of again ever.
(10) Regal Ransom: Interesting story, dismal horse.
(11) Chocolate Candy: Local horse makes…let’s say 4th place.
(12) General Quarters: Sentimental choice of all, if he tragically breaks down, they might as well abolish the sport today.
(13) I Want Revenge: Scratched which sucks, it would have been the best name to hear the announcer shouting.
(14) Atomic Rain: Beat cheap claimers only, must have naked photos of the stewards.
(15) Dunkirk: Like the rest wants to start 5th then wind up 1st, probably winds up 5th.
(16) Pioneerof The Nile: Owns LA which means cursed in KY.
(17) Summer Bird: Post-position sounds about right: 17th place.
(18) Nowhere to Hide: Ha, ha, seriously.
(19) Desert Party: Best United Arab Emirates horse in today’s race, might be good for a snort on the plane ride home.
(20) Flying Private: Last and least.
— Kibby Kleiman