Shit Happens

Sofa blowjobs require brown towels, but avoid cattle prods.

I am a 28-year-old straight woman who has been dating a
24-year-old straight male for two months. Recently, I gave him oral sex
while he was seated naked on my couch. The next day, as I went to sit
on the couch, I noticed a brown stain on the cushion that looked highly
suspicious. I have come to the conclusion that it was, in fact, poo.
The stain had a streakish quality and was located where his buttcrack
region was placed during the encounter. And furthermore, I smelled it.
And I know what shit smells like!

Okay, so the question: WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?! Is this normal for
men? Can I talk to him about this? Should I? I would like to be open
and honest with him, but how do I even broach the subject?

I suspect that he knows that shit stains are an issue for him,
because we were recently packing for a weekend trip and he got upset
when I went to fold/pack his underwear. He wouldn’t let me handle the
undies because he didn’t want me to “see any stains.” I didn’t think
anything of it, assuming that he left occasional skid marks as some
guys do, and I just made a joke about my period panties and moved on.
But now I am annoyed. He should have realized what had happened when I
blew him and at least tried to clean it up while I was sleeping or
otherwise occupied.

Is pooping on the couch a deal breaker? Or can we be “cleaner” in
the future and protect my bedding and furniture somehow?

Shit On Furniture Annoys Girl A Lot

Seeing as he’s aware that he has a problem — he acknowledged
as much when he kept his underwear out of your hands — this
straight boy, at the very least, should’ve thought to spot-check your
sofa after grinding his ass into it for the duration of that blowjob.
But you have to take some responsibility, too, SOFAGAL. You encouraged
this young man to plop his naked ass down on your sofa and proceeded to
engage in the kinds of behaviors that would cause any man to (1) open
his legs and (2) grind his ass into whatever he happened to be sitting
on. And where bare asses are set, shit stains are always a
possibility.

So I’d say you’re both at fault, SOFAGAL. Knowing what he knows
about his own ass, the boy should’ve eyeballed your sofa and discreetly
cleaned up after himself. But, again, shit stains can happen when you
allow a nude man to sit his bare ass on your sofa, SOFAGAL, and
commence blowing him. If I may invoke/resurrect a Rumsfeldism: Prior to
this incident, blowjob-related shit stains on the sofa were, for you,
an unknown unknown — something you didn’t know you didn’t
know — but in the wake of this incident, shit stains are now a
known known. And knowing what you now know, SOFAGAL, you might
consider placing a towel — might I suggest a beige one? —
on any sofa that you invite this man, or any other man, to set his bare
bottom on prior to blowing him.

Finally, SOFAGAL, how to broach the subject? With a sense of humor.
Sex can be messy, and shit happens quite literally sometimes —
and not just to men. Women have assholes, too, and shit-stained panties
are a documented phenomenon. Let him know that he tagged your sofa
— try to smile when you say it — and then head to the
nearest gay neighborhood to pick up some brown or beige bath towels.
And, come on, how bad can it really have been if you didn’t notice when
your nose was down there?

My wife and I got into S&M about two years ago, and it’s done
a wonderful job of spicing up an otherwise very vanilla marriage. It
was the odd happy ending to the usual doomed story of “husband who
knows he’s submissive finally gets courage to tell vanilla wife.” We’re
constantly upping our game — we went from pegging and D/s to
flogging to hardcore beatings pretty swiftly, and we want to continue
to push our boundaries.

Now we’re looking into electrical play. And our question is about
cattle prods. Are they safe? We’ve seen a couple of BDSM porn movies
where a cattle prod gets used, but we have no idea if these are prop
cattle prods or the real deal. And are there any books out there on
safe electro-stim play?

Sub Needs Some Shocks

“Electric play is a great addition to BDSM, but cattle prods are a
bad choice as they’re not designed for use on humans,” says David X, an
electrical engineer who used to work in tech but today designs e-stim
products for Eros Tek. “There are several reports of muscle injuries
and even a few broken bones from prod-induced involuntary muscle
contractions,” David continues. “Burns and nerve damage are also
possible. There really isn’t any way to make a cattle prod safe, but if
you must, use it only below the waist and make each shock as brief as
possible. Make sure the submissive does not have weight or tension on
their limbs and has room for safe movement.”

And if you’re attached to your balls, SNSS, and would like to remain
attached to them, make sure they’re not tied to anything. But, again,
neither David nor I think you should use a cattle prod at all. David
has a bias, of course, and would prefer to see you purchase something
designed for use on humans — preferably something designed by him
— but your bias-free advice professional strongly agrees with
David: Invest in a product designed for use on humans.

“The best devices for BDSM electric play are made for that purpose,”
says David. “They can deliver very intense sensations while being much
safer than a cattle prod. As for books, you’re best off following the
instructions that come with whatever device you purchase. This is
another advantage of the BDSM products — they come with
instructions for using them on humans instead of cattle.”

You can see David’s products at ErosTek.com.

I’m a 23-year-old straight female. I have been friends with this
guy for the past two and a half years and would like to continue.
Problem is he gets jealous (because he has the hots for me, but I’m not
interested) and a bit distant whenever there is a boyfriend/date in the
picture. I’m not sure if I should approach him about this or
not.

Just Friends Jealousy

Maintaining a friendship with a man who has the “hots” for you when
you’re not interested isn’t kind, JFJ, it’s emotionally sadistic. Maybe
it’s thoughtless sadism on your part, but it’s sadism nonetheless.
Because for as long as you’re hanging out with him, JFJ, he’s going to
delude himself into thinking that he has a chance with you. And every
time a potential boyfriend appears on the horizon — someone for
whom you do have the hots — he’s going to realize, once again,
that he’s a fool and, perhaps, being played for one. (How many times
has he helped you move?)

Your friendship, while a marvelous treasure under most
circumstances, is not a consolation prize for this guy. It’s a torment.
He doesn’t have the strength to cut you out of his life —
something that, if he’s reading, I would strongly advise him to do
— so you’re going to have to do it for him, JFJ. If you don’t,
well, you can’t claim that your sadism is thoughtless anymore. It’s
overt, conscious cruelty — “mean girl” bullshit. And if you’re
not careful, Garfunkel & Oates will write a song about you.

Download my podcast at TheStranger.com/savage.

[email protected]

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