My boyfriend and I have been together over eight months. We
really love each other, and I see us spending our lives together. At
least I did, until something he said a few days ago.
Long story short, for the last five months or so, he’s brought up
marriage. Then a few days ago he informed me that he actually doesn’t
want a wedding. When I offered a small ceremony with just immediate
family and friends, he balked and said he’s not even interested in a
courthouse wedding. I asked if everything he’d said before was empty
pillow talk, and he said yes. He won’t give me any better explanation
than that. Oh, and this was two days after we decided I’d be moving in
with him, and he still wants me to live with him even after dropping
this bomb! Everyone I’ve talked to, including my therapist, said the
equivalent of WTF?!?
Dan, can you decipher this male-ese for me?
Lady In A Relationship
You were discussing marriage at three months?
The fact that he would bring up marriage so early, and the fact that
you didn’t laugh in his face, disqualifies you both from obtaining a
marriage license. (Okay, it doesn’t — but it should.) Three
months — eight months, sixteen months — is way too soon to
be discussing marriage. Sure, you can allow yourself to be swept away
by new love, you can crush out on each other, you can sheepishly admit
that you’ve allowed yourself to daydream about marriage — so long
as that admission is immediately followed by this statement: “But I
realize it’s way too soon to even think about it seriously …” But you
absolutely, positively should NOT be making plans to marry, small
ceremonies or large, courthouse or St. Paul’s Cathedral, at eight
fucking months; nor should you attempt to hold him — or anyone
else — to a premature “commitment” to wed.
Your boyfriend doesn’t have a bad case of “male-ese,” LIAR, he has a
good case of came-to-his-senses-ese. If you’re lucky, the strain is
contagious, perhaps sexually transmitted, and you’ll soon be showing
And a bit of bonus advice: Get a therapist who doesn’t believe that
cashing your checks obligates him to tell you whatever idiot thing you
want to hear.
In a recent column you wrote, “If you’re not having sex with your
boyfriend, or anyone else, and there’s no sex in your foreseeable
future, ANB, that’s not monogamy — that’s celibacy.” I have been
with my girlfriend for almost nine years, living together for seven. We
have never had sex. At the beginning we fooled around a lot, but for
various reasons never went too far. Now, like many couples who have
been together for a while, the frequency has decreased.
But for us this means we go beyond kissing a few times a year,
and never all that far. I am mostly okay with this: I take care of
myself as necessary. We never talk about sex at all. We’ve moved back
and forth across the country together and are otherwise very committed.
Is it ridiculous to leave sex out of the relationship?
Sexless And Seemingly Content
If you’re happy and your girlfriend’s happy, SASC, then I’m happy.
Two people in a bad relationship can have plenty of great sex; two
people in a great relationship can have little sex or no sex. Sex is a
metric for assessing the health of a relationship, but it’s not the
only one. When two people come together who love each other and are
compatible sexually — which can mean a shared interest in sex or
a shared disinterest in sex — the angels sing, SASC. All that
matters, again, is that you’re both happy.
But are you happy, SASC? You say that you are, and I’ll take your
word for it, but there’s a lot of wiggle room in the “mostly” in this
sentence: “I am mostly okay with this.” You owe it to yourself to
determine if you are really and truly okay with living without sex
— and if the girlfriend is, too.
I’ll add this to the debate over the threat that gay people pose
to marriage: A fag saved my “opposite marriage.”
My wife and I had a huge argument about sex after she rebuffed me
one night. She was shouting that she couldn’t stand the idea of me
inside her because she felt like I was just masturbating in her. I
shouted that we could stop having vaginal intercourse altogether for
all I care because it was boring me, too, and besides, there was lots
of other stuff we could do. She screamed, “Like what?!?” And I
screamed, “Like oral! Masturbation! Role-playing! Whatever kinky shit
you want!” There was a pause, and we both started laughing.
We took vaginal intercourse “off the menu” that night. After
three weeks of amazing, mind-blowing sex, she called me at work and
asked if I missed vaginal intercourse. I told her that I did but that
putting it back on the menu was entirely her call. She got in the car
and drove to my office, and we fucked in the stairwell. Sometimes you
help people you don’t even realize you’ve helped. Wanted to say
Married O And Newly Surging
You’re welcome, MOANS, and thanks for sharing.
And speaking of marriage: Last week’s decision by the California
Supreme Court upholding Proposition 8 was expected but, in the wake of
so many recent victories, still saddening, and I’m getting mail from
lots of unhappy people. I’m unhappy about it, too. But we have to
remember that this is a long game, folks, and despite this setback, we
are winning. We’ve heard a lot about Prop. 8 over the last week, and
we’re going to hear a lot about the fight to overturn it over the
coming months, but let’s not forget about Proposition 22.
In 2000, California voters approved a law banning same-sex marriage.
It was a ballot initiative, like Prop. 8, but just a law, not a
constitutional amendment. And it was that law, Prop. 22, that the
California Supremes struck down in 2008, in their historic ruling
legalizing same-sex marriage. And voters in 2000 approved Prop. 22 by a
22-point margin. Eight years later the same voters approved Prop. 8 by
just four points. That’s an 18-point shift in favor of marriage
equality in just eight years. That’s extraordinary progress. A loss is
still a loss, and a loss sucks, but the trend is so strongly in our
favor that we cannot lose hope. The antigay bigots know that they’re
losing this debate, and it’s why they’re so hot to amend state
constitutions now, while they still can, while they can still count on
the votes of the old, the bigoted, and the easily manipulated.
But they are losing and they know it.
Gay marriage will be back to the ballot box in California in 2010 or
2012, and voters are going to repeal Prop. 8. Fundamental civil rights
should not be subject to a popular vote, of course, and the California
Supremes had an opportunity to reaffirm that ideal. They chose not to,
they buckled, and so gays and lesbians, unlike other minority groups,
face the challenge of securing our rights at the ballot box. That seems
like a daunting prospect until you recall Prop. 22 and compare its
margin of victory to that of Prop. 8. Again, we witnessed an
eighteen-point shift in favor of gay marriage in California in just
eight years. We can gain another two points in two. We just have to
stay in the fight and constantly remind ourselves and each other
— and Maggie Gallagher — that we are winning.