Each year we compile some of the more memorable letters, phone calls, and press releases we received during the prior twelve months. In the interest of verisimilitude, all spelling, punctuation, and grammar are the writers’ own.
That shit is gay
hyphy is gay, comin from someone in the bay too
You will feel better
E, go fishin and have some good sex and you will feel better
Can we cyber?
you are pretty much my hero. I especially like the part about being cooler than jeans tucked into cowboy boots. Can we cyber sometime?
Katie, San Francisco
Judas in Paris
you can never silence me.
I am everywhere!
This is like a sit-in or teach-in. We will get drunk in public and perhaps go naked. The Declaration of Independence notes twice that we have the right to go for the “pursuit of happiness.” This is a human-rights issue as mentioned in U.N. Document. Saturday, August 12 in People’s Park. Free booze. No food.
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Remove those unsightly fur balls
Guys. Have you ever had that not so fresh feeling? You know what I mean, when your hair’s clean, you still smell good but there’s something that just isn’t as clean as it should be. And the worst part is, no matter how much soap and water you use, it will never be enough. Las Vegas, Nevada resident Eugene Griffin was in the shower one day and knew he needed something make him feel cleaner, so he created the Nut Brush. This useful new personal care product cleans a man’s private parts. The Nut Brush removes fur balls, or dingle berries, from a man’s genitalia, leaving him feeling fresh and clean. Most importantly, just in case you get lucky, there won’t be any surprise hangers on. This original idea is now being made available for licensing to manufacturers interested in new product development, especially in the personal hygiene industry. Mr. Griffin is hoping to have the Nut Brush in full production and available to the public within the very near future.
Invent-Tech, Coral Gables, Florida
Concerning adult advertising
Good Day, my name is Darryl Scott. I am contacting for an UNUSUAL request. I run an adult phone service. I had two surgeries this year and am fully restarting my whole life. I am asking for free advertising. I know you are thinking this is a joke … it is not. I would like 4 weeks of advertising in the adult display section of your newsweekly. I will not put something in your weekly so nasty as to disrespect your readers. If it does work out, I will sign a contract and be responsible for 52 weeks of advertising. If this is something you cannot do, I understand. This is a highly unusual request. I want a text ad with black background and colored or white text. This would be a big help to me and I would pay you back for the advertising at the end of the 4 week run. I am outta credit and would appreciate a response.
Stop blaming whites
Chris, YOU ARE THE RACIST. You are racist against white people; against your own race. You LOVE to slander whites in general. Your jealousy based HATE against your own race is the very essence of what is called “liberalism” or “progressivism.” The driving force of modern “progressive” journalism is heterophobic, anti-whiteman, anti-western, and anti-christian HATE. Do you want to see who the ignorant hillbilly is? Look in the mirror.
Stop blaming whites and smearing the white race, you asshole. You just want to place your own race in chains and make us extinct. You want whites to be scapegoated last-class citizens. You are typical of all employed “mainstream news” leftist propaganda journalists. I would LOVE to confront your in person you ASSHOLE.
No name given, Oakland
Are you a victim of facial prejudice?
Other people look at us and immediately form an impression. Our faces, especially our eyes, are the primary source of this impression. Too often, our faces help others form impressions that are not true, such as communicating that we are tired when we’re rested, angry when we’re not, and older than we are. Perhaps you are being discriminated against (or discriminating) without even realizing it!
We would like to offer an interview with and the opportunity to have your face analyzed by a nationally renowned and highly specialized oculoplastic surgeon, Dr. Deborah Sherman, Vanderbilt University. Dr. Sherman examines more than 100 faces a week and is an expert at interpreting what the lines around your eyes and face and the anatomy of your muscles are communicating to others about your emotions and physical well-being. Are you ready to know what conclusions other people might be drawing about you, and why?
Dr. Sherman will speak with local beauty experts about how to “Lose the 11” (the two vertical lines or creases between the brows that largely impact the first impression you make in terms of your perceived mood). Dr. Sherman can also discuss the latest cosmetic procedure trends – both surgical and non-invasive – such as eye tucks, brow lifts, BOTOX(r) Cosmetic (botulinum toxin type A) the latest fillers, including JUVéDERM(tm) ULTRA and JUVéDERM(tm) ULTRA PLUS, and antioxidants. She can talk about the signs of bad plastic surgery and how to avoid it, and she can also explain when and how a non-surgical procedure might be as effective as invasive surgery.
Christopher Seger, Chandler Chicco Agency, New York
Here’s a song I wrote and Jim Henson from Nashville sings and plays instrument for your consideration:
I’ve got a letter from Iraq and Iran
They’ve been killing since the world began
And I have to say again and again
They’ve been killing since the world began
To me it don’t seem there’s no end
And why do they keep on committing sins
If they want to end wars nobody wins
Tell God you’ll never do it again
Yeah I’ve got a letter from Iraq and Iran
You’ve been killing since the whole world began
And your world is coming to the end
Because God sees you’re nobody’s friend
And your world’s coming to an end
God sees your nobody’s friend
Tom Gray, San Francisco
Shorty Short was a small man
But he had big nuts
To take on any other man
On his woman, Jo Anne
Shorty Short was short on cash
He had to carry his wallet
To his girl friend
He order short eggs over easy
He had short legs stepping
He wore short pants
All through the summer
In their house they had red ants
With a lot of wood and lumber
In the movie Get Shorty
Shorty was to short
To be tall and proud
To walk the streets
And yell out loud
I’m short E
Not Shorty Short
Easy Cool, San Francisco
The solution to California’s problems
Reasons to secede from the United States:
Abortions for everyone.
Instead of sending $50 billion to Washington to spend on virginity classes in Texas, spend it on something fun in California.
Bring our soldiers back from Iraq so they can defend California from the hegemonic United States military.
No Christian Taliban in Washington telling us how bad we are.
California universal medical insurance gives our businesses an advantage over business in other states.
Develop an energy policy that involves more than drilling in Alaska.
A legalized California marijuana industry provides high quality product to the world.
Marriage for gays only. Straight couples have the same legal rights if they register, but no kissing in public.
Eminent domain only to be used to take WalMart buildings for low cost housing and abortion clinics.
Support for scientists who actually experiment and find out stuff.
No tax breaks for children, churches, or SUVs.
Oil company and church tax revenues will provide free college educations for all Californians.
Friendly relations with Cuba and Venezuela provide Californians with good cigars, a safe oil supply, and carribian vacations.
California Supreme Court justices Angela Davis and Jon Stewart.
New speed limit, 180 miles per hour.
What do we need them for?
Elisha Shapiro, Los Angeles
President Bush’s vicious nationwide attack on whistleblowers comes to Berkeley via an all-too-obliging city council, mayor, and police department
Since becoming a Livermore Nuclear Weapons Lab whistleblower in 1991, I have worked diligently and effectively for the past six years as an independent scientist, to educate the global community on radiation issues both locally and internationally. The dark legacy of Dr. Strangelove, former Livermore Nuclear Weapons Lab Director Edward Teller, is the fact that the University of California will forever be known as “the University that poisoned the world.” The University of California has turned Planet Earth into a Death Star.
The problems with my cars and the Berkeley Police Department started after I did a presentation on radiation and depleted uranium on September 11, 2005, for Physicians for Social Responsibility.
When I left the Livermore Nuclear Weapons Lab in 1991, I was told, “You’re in a police net for the rest of your life,” and to a reasonable person it seems I have been. I have been subjected to car theft, damage to personal property, the University of California/Homeland Security Special — “gangstalking,” and very frequently experienced documents missing from my home. My daughter was kidnapped when she was 13, facilitated by the University of California and Livermore Lab, and I did not see her for 5 years.
On three occasions in the past several years my cars have been towed by Berkeley Police Department using selective enforcement, the timing of which coincided with major radiation disclosures I have made. Some would think they were related since the Berkeley Police Department “Red Squad” was actively killing the Free Speech Movement in the ’60s, and I have observed them covertly spying on demonstrations recently.
Leuren Moret, Berkeley