I Hate Formula Raps

Hip-hop commentary for the slightly perturbed and severely profane.

I love thinking about growing dreads as much as the next man, but that doesn’t mean every goddamn Bay Area song needs to have “dumb” in the title. This shit is getting out of hand. We’ve got “Go Dumb” by Federation, “Go Dumb” remix by Bailey, “Going Dumb,” “Stupid Dumb and Hyphy,” “Go Damn Dumb,” “Stupid Doo Doo Dumb,” “18 Dummy” — and those are just the ones I remember right now. How many goddamn versions of super hyphy does the world need? Keak da Sneak needs to get the fuck off that train.

Repetitive song titles aren’t really the problem, though; it’s that every fucking rapper out there is trying to jump on the wave of what’s hot. It’s like people don’t think they can make hyphy shit without recycling the same tired-as-fuck concepts over and over.

The problem doesn’t really have shit to do with hyphy music in particular. Artists need to realize that riding all the trends trying to make albums for “everyone” is a fast pass to falling the fuck off. I don’t need to hear more rappers tell me how they got songs for the ladies, the club, the hood, and the radio. This mass-appeal approach is some straight motherfucking bullshit that makes for boring-ass records that sound more like a retarded top 40 playlist than an album. If I wanted to listen to the radio, then I would listen to the fucking radio.

You want an example? Just look at Mobb Deep and its latest garbage-as-fuck record. Mobb Deep blew up off solid albums that carried consistent themes and classic songs like “Shook Ones” and “Survival of the Fittest.” It excelled at that dark, grimy Queensbridge style. It did not blow up off ridiculously shitty songs made for the ladies. It should have stuck to what it did best, and that did not include songs promoting pouring out champagne on motherfucking yachts and being 50 Cent’s testicle carriers.

The downfall of Mobb Deep is just one example of many failed attempts by rappers to make horribly accessible records. Some claim that they are trying to do something interesting and experimental. But interesting does not give us shit-ass songs like E-40’s “U and Dat.” I love 40, but what the fuck is this retarded shit? I can’t stand the sound of T-Pain’s voice. Vocoders do not cover up how stupid this motherfucker is. I don’t give a fuck how hard you’re thizzing; that fucking song sucks ass. I do not need to hear about 40 whispering in a woman’s ear while he holds his dick. I never thought E-40 would adopt the ’80s hair-band marketing plan for success by having a good single followed up with a soft-as-fuck power ballad. Hip-hop legends should not be following in the footsteps of fucking Whitesnake.

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