Fun with Fictitious Business Names

Anyone who wants to run a business is required to file a fictitious business name with the county, and that means fun for us. Here are a few choice DBAs (Doing Business As) registered with Alameda County in January, along with our admittedly wild speculation as to what these cunning entrepreneurs might be up to. …

Business name: WAAAGH! ZONE
Registered by: GOODRICH, DEREK; WRIGHT-LA, FORCE BRET
What we’re guessing this company does: Since spanking your child may soon be a crime in California, these guys will do it for you, assuming all the legal risks thereof.

Business name: THE GIANT PEACH INC
Registered by: THE GIANT PEACH INC
What we’re guessing this company does: Offers scenic aerial and ocean tours to orphans, mutant insects, and ill-tempered centipedes. Will kill evil aunts for an additional fee.

Business name: PRECIOUS LITTLE LAMBS FAMILY DAYCARE
Registered by: LAMBERT, SHERYL
What we’re guessing this company does: Bottle-feeds toddlers with warm milk for three to six months, then shears them to make sweaters.

Business name: GOTBASS PRODUCTIONS
Registered by: PHILLIPS, MARCUS
What we’re guessing this company does: You like smallmouth? Marcus knows all the prime spots! Ditto largemouth. Hell, he even knows when the stripers are running, and he’s a freshwater guy.

Business name: BOBBY-THE PARKER
Registered by: PIWOWARSKI, ROBERT JOSEPH
What we’re guessing this company does: You’re late for that job interview, so you call Bobby. He’ll score you a parking spot somewhere in the neighborhood, then feed your meter till you come back. Sort of like on-call valet parking.

Business name: THE SEE A DOG, HEAR A DOG CO.
Registered by: PERKINS, PHILIP
What we’re guessing this company does: Phil holes up on his roof with a BB gun. When he spots dogs out for a walk, he pelts ’em in the haunches and makes ’em yelp. God knows how he makes any money from this activity.

Business name: TRANS YARD WORK
Registered by: BUI, THAO THU
What we’re guessing this company does: Mows lawns and all that, but the crew somehow doesn’t feel comfortable in the bodies they were given.

Business name: PLUSIZEBARBIE
Registered by: JONES, BRANDI LASHAWN
What we’re guessing this company does: Fends off an incessant stream of lawsuits from Mattel.

Business name: GOD’S HANDS UNLIMITED FEATURING EUNIQUE FASHIONS
Registered by: PARKS, EUNICE MAE
What we’re guessing this company does: Makes flowing white robes that seem to shimmer, as though hewn of a material not quite of this earth.

Business name: GODDESS OF THE BAY
Registered by: JONES, BRANDI LASHAWN
What we’re guessing this company does: Self-esteem workshops.

Business name: FLASHLIGHT JANITORIAL
Registered by: TIDWELL, ALONZO
What we’re guessing this company does: You can save on energy bills by hiring these guys. Will clean your office at night and never once turn on the lights.

Business name: COLLEGE STUDENT HAULING
Registered by: TULLUS, JR. DAVID
What we’re guessing this company does: Helps parents get rid of adult children who’ve come home to live while earning their art history degree.

Business name: DOMINO COMPUTER
Registered by: HUANG, SHENG
What we’re guessing this company does: Will stack your business’ countless PCs just so.

Business name: ALONSO’S CLEANING SYSTEM
Registered by: ALONSO, JORGE F

What we’re guessing this company does: Piles up dirty dishes in your sink every day. Cleans them all on Sunday.

Business name: WOMEN’S PLUMBING REPAIR
Registered by: WEBER, ROSEMARY
What we’re guessing this company does: Hey, don’t you need a medical license for this sort of thing?

Business name: FINE ART BY DAY
Registered by: ART MANAGEMENT SERVICES GROUP LLC

What we’re guessing this company does: Sells tacky landscapes and low-quality, mass-produced prints by night.

Business name: STRANGE MAGIC GAMES
Registered by: MITCHELL, KENT & SHARON
What we’re guessing they do: Dress up, respectively, as Orion and a giant scorpion, and engage in epic fantasy battles in the rumpus room.

Business name: COME TO LIFE
Registered by: MITCHELL, KENT & SHARON

What we’re guessing they do: This company helps out when either Orion or the scorpion, or both, are slain.

Business name: THE WRITER
Registered by: MITCHELL, KENT & SHARON
What we’re guessing they do: What’s an epic battle without someone to chronicle the glory and the shame of it?

Business name: HIGHLAND PLACE CONDOMINIUM ASSOCIATION
Registered by: MITCHELL, KENT & SHARON

What we’re guessing they do: Play strange magic games with your condominium bylaws.

Business name: WE GROUP
Registered by: WEBB, TIM J.
What we’re guessing this company does: Comes into your train-wreck of a garage and puts all the junk into neat little piles according to size, color, or attribute of your choice.

Business name: FIREDOG
Registered by: CIRCUIT, CITY STORES WEST COAST,INC.

What we’re guessing this company does: Dalmation breeders.

Business name: HYPNO TOAD VENTURES
Registered by: MIRANDA, SCOTT WILLIAM; TEIXEIRA, JOHN MICHAEL; TRICOSKI, ROBERT; IRWIN, CHARLES EDWARD
What we’re guessing this company does: Amphibian hypnosis, acupuncture, and aromatherapy. These people must be from Berkeley!

Business name: THE SMALL THINGS THAT COUNT
Registered by: WILEY, SONJA E.

What we’re guessing this company does: Sells those little clickers bouncers use to tell how many people they’ve let into the club. Also sells four-year-old children, who will gladly count to one hundred again and again and again.

Business name: SHATTER THE GLASS
Registered by: WINSTEAD, SARAH JANE MANNING
What we’re guessing this company does: Manufactures those wall fire alarm units for elementary schools. Either that, or they run a really, really alternative china shop.

Business name: STACKED
Registered by: MARTIN, ANGELA

What we’re guessing this company does: Hmmm.

Business name: POLISHED
Registered by: MARTIN, ANGELA
What we’re guessing this company does: Stacked and polished? Okay, it’s a date.

Business name: FAIRY GODMOTHER GOWN RENTALS

Registered by: SCHNEIDER, JEREMY
What we’re guessing this company does: Rents evening gowns to the stacked and polished Angela Martin.

Business name: BEDROOM GOLF GEAR
Registered by: HOLSEY, WILLIAM III
What we’re guessing this company does: This is just a side business. The real money is in pocket pool gear.

Business name: TIME FOR CHANGE

Registered by: SNYDER, CYNDI; WARREN, LISA ANN
What we’re guessing this company does: Underpants wholesalers.

Business name: VOLUPTUOUS ENCOUNTERS
Registered by: SANCHEZ-SILVA, RUBY
What we’re guessing this company does: Ain’t goin’ there.

Business name: RONCO TRADING

Registered by: ALRON, GROUP, INC.
What we’re guessing this company does: Miss that Veg-O-Matic? That Inside-The-Shell Egg Scrambler? That Rhinestone and Stud Center or Pocket Fisherman? My friend, you’ve come to the right place. Just pick up that phone and dial 1-800-777 …

Business name: KNODDIGSKULL
Registered by: BOX, INDUSTRIES, LLC
What we’re guessing this company does: Now who says the people who exhume dead bodies have to be dour? These guys will take any job with a smile.

Business name: DOG GONE GOOD!

Registered by: WOMBACHER, MICHAEL J.; GUILBERT, ROSEMARIE
What we’re guessing this company does: Is your recently acquired St. Berdoodle too big for your house? Puggle not working out as well as you thought when you saw that one article in the New York Times Magazine? Well now you know whom to call.

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