Fatter Up!

When the Oakland A’s brain trust shut down the third deck of the Coliseum two years back, we were told it was because of light attendance. Or because of security concerns. Or because they wanted all the rest of the seats to be primo for our viewing pleasure. Or to save money. Or to save fans money.

A big, stupid tarp was draped over the section, helping to cast a gloomy pall over the old ball yard. What better way to say, “Hey, there’s a party going on here!” than a giant dark green slip cover over all the seats?

So while watching another of our outfielders being taken off the field limping, my fellow fans and I would cogitate about what it might take to remove the giant Hefty Bag of doom. A three-game series against the Yankees? An interleague donnybrook against the Giants? A pennant series with a trip to the Series riding on it against Detroit? No, nope, and nothing doing.

This New Year our questions have been answered.

The tarp comes off – for peanuts. And hot dogs and soda.

This week the A’s announced a special entrance (better be a damn big one!) will be open in sections 316-318, all season long. The worst seats in the house will be the most expensive in the park $35 a person. And the people sitting there will have the privilege of wearing a wrist band (better be elastic) which entitles them to all they can eat of ballpark cuisine. Taking a grease-spattered page from the Los Angeles Dodgers who tried the Ballpark buffet last season, the A’s will invite anybody with a gullet for greed to tuck in for seven innings of baseball staples! There are a couple of caveats, which can be seen at OaklandAthletics.com. You can only gorge for seven innings and you can only grab two items per visit, and it will cost three dollars more to pig out in front of the Red Sox and other “premium” opponents.

That aside, I’m left with a plate worth of questions.

Is it safe to put the trenchermen on the third deck? Are the McAfee folk sure that the structure can withstand a nachos blitz?

Since the stoners used to hang around the third deck, won’t this just encourage their return as just a new way to feed their munchies?

Isn’t it kind of sad that our mascot is a big elephant now?

How badly would you need to use the restroom to want to use the one (!) that they will reopen on the third deck?

And finally

Can we put the tarp back on, please?


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