Okay, I need a kick in the face or something.
My boyfriend of two years and I broke up a little more than a
week ago. He cheated. But there’s a bit more to the story: He was a
raging alcoholic, and I’ve broken up with him a few times. One of those
times — when he was at our place and supposed to be packing his
things and be gone by morning — I kind of rebounded off of some
guy, had sex with him, then came home later the next day and found out
that my boyfriend was still at my place. We talked and got back
together. Later on, he found out about the rebound sex I had, and I
think that’s why he cheated. We weren’t a healthy couple, all in
all.
We both want to remain friends, so a week after the breakup, we
went out for coffee. We both realized that the feelings we have for
each other haven’t gone away. There’s no chance in hell I’m getting
back with him after he cheated, but I can’t resist this urge to have
sex with him. And I know the feeling is mutual. So now I’m torn on
whether to start a sex-based “relationship” with him or just block him
from my life.
Cheated On One
If you’ve ruled out getting back together with this guy because he’s
a raging alcoholic, COO, that’s fine. If you’re not getting back
together with him because this relationship generates way too much
conflict and drama, COO, that’s also fine. But if you’re not getting
back together with this guy — a guy who you have strong feelings
for — because he cheated on you, well, that’s just retarded.
Yeah, yeah: You didn’t cheat. Not technically. You were officially
“off again” when you had rapid rebound sex with someone else, and you
were “on again” when he had sex with someone else. But … come on. You
fucked someone else during a particularly rough patch and kept that
info from him when you decided to get back together. He found out you
fucked someone else and went and fucked someone else himself. Now, you
can choose to view his cheating as a violation of trust and an
unforgivable betrayal and wocka wocka wocka, COO, or you can choose to
view it as part of your most recent rough patch and round his cheating
down to rebound sex, even if he was rebounding after you were
officially back together, and get back together with him.
If that’s what you want. And you know what? It sounds like that’s
what you want.
My girlfriend of seven years has disgusting manners. She eats
loudly with her mouth open, farts and belches incessantly, snorts
instead of blows her nose, and so on.
I used to find it refreshing to be with a girl who was so
uninhibited. But now it is getting on my nerves, and it’s embarrassing
when she farts in front of our friends. I am starting to be turned off
by this, and I don’t see her as desirable anymore. She thinks I am
being sexist and have a double standard.
Tell me PLEASE: Am I intolerant? And is there something wrong
with me that I’m losing my libido?
Grossed Out
Yes, there’s something wrong with you — there’s something
wrong with anyone who could spend seven years with this woman. Seven
minutes sounds intolerable.
I wouldn’t tolerate a dude who behaved the way your girlfriend does
— or advise a woman to tolerate one — so there’s no sexist
double standard on my end. And so long as you’re not ripping farts in
front of her friends or chewing with your mouth open, there’s no double
standard on your end either, GO. Fact is, your girlfriend is a pig and
a slob, and she’d be a pig and a slob even if she had a cock and
balls.
There’s a guy out there for her somewhere — a guy with similar
habits, or a guy with a higher tolerance for loudly chewed food, or a
guy with a fetish for girl farts — and the sooner you DTMFA, the
sooner she can start delighting him with her uninhibited ways.
My partner and I have a great thing going — madly in love,
together a year, a great sex life, similar hobbies/interests/etc.
Basically, we’re both on the same page in thinking, “This is it!” We’ve
both been very open and honest about everything, including our
relationship histories, but yesterday something caught me completely
off guard. In the course of a dinner conversation that led to talk
about old partners, I asked how many she’d had, thinking her number was
a few more than mine (ten, unless I’m forgetting someone). She
sheepishly answered, “100.” One-zero-zero!
She lived in NYC for a couple years, and maybe that’s how people
do it there. But I’m a good-hearted, Southern, serial-monogamist boy
and this makes me feel, well, odd. I’m really not sure how I feel about
this, but I am definitely feeling something. I have zero fear of her
cheating on me, and she’s way into our sex life, but I’m not sure what
to make of this. Thoughts?
Way Tons Fewer
Your girlfriend had a lot of guys, so your girlfriend knows good
guys from bad, and good sex from bad, and she could get another guy, a
different one, whenever she wanted. And yet she’s with you, WTF, and
she’s faithful to you. Which can only mean one thing: You must be
pretty awesome. Your girlfriend could have any dude she wants —
she’s had almost every dude she’s wanted — and yet she chooses to
be with you.
You know what you should make of this? It’s a compliment, WTF, and
you should take it as one.
Long story short: I’m a 28-year-old Aussie gay guy, very recently
dumped. His choice, not mine. But the reason he gave for breaking up
was the way we met. He believes that for a relationship to truly work,
it’s important to be friends first. As a single gay guy, I’ve tended to
meet guys at parties and clubs, and I always figured that you start
with sexual chemistry and develop a friendship from there. Am I being
shallow?
Suddenly In The Scene
Okay, SITS, your ex said it didn’t work out because you weren’t
friends first. But what your ex meant, SITS, was that it didn’t work
out because once he got to know you … he didn’t like you.
Sorry if that’s harsh, but there it is. No one dumps a man who he
truly loves — or even likes well enough that love is still a
possibility — on a bullshit technicality like that. (“I’m just
crazy about you, but we met on a Tuesday and I’ve always felt that it’s
important to meet someone on a Thursday, so….”) You had good sexual
chemistry at the start, it seems, and you developed stronger feelings
for him as things progressed. But the more he got to know you, the less
attracted to you he was.
It’s possible that your ex has concluded that the next person he
dates has to be “friends first” because you weren’t friends first and
it didn’t work out. God only knows what he’ll decide to do if his next
relationship — one with a guy who was “friends first” —
doesn’t work out. Enemies first, perhaps?
