Douche Drizzlers

Plus douchebags, repressed Christians, and oppressive moms.

I’m a straight guy, and my first girl was very experienced
— she was proud to say she’d been with at least thirty guys
before me. When all was said and done, she said that I was the most
well-endowed of any man she’d seen before.

In all my subsequent experiences, the women I’ve been with have
noted that I am a well-equipped dude, though none of them expected it.
A couple of times, this fact has come up in conversation (that first
lady made a point of passing this news on to friends), and most
people’s reaction is to say that I’m just so unassuming that they
wouldn’t expect that from me. It’s true; I’m rather shy. When it comes
to women, I am the complete opposite of cocky.

So here’s my question: Should I be advertising my “gift”? Am I
supposed to be sharing my size with the world with the hopes that it
pays off? Can it help me with the opposite sex to be sharing this fact
early, or am I better off just letting the surprise kick in once it’s
time to get naked?

Huge Hugh

It’s better to be a nice, unassuming guy with a surprise in his
briefs than it is to be another douchebag always going on about his
cock, HH. And it doesn’t sound like you really need to talk up your
cock: At least one of the women you’ve slept with is doing that for
you. Good word of mouth is the best advertising, HH, so chill.

I just got off the phone after another long-distance fight
— I mean discussion — with my mother regarding her godson,
my cousin “A.” I am SURE (and my brother and father agree) that A is
gay, like his dad (long story). He talks incessantly about finding A
Nice Christian Girl and Settling Down (although he doesn’t even date).
It makes me want to vomit. Unfortunately, A has absorbed his mother’s
reactionary religious dogma. I say he should get some therapy and try
to have a happy and fulfilled life as the person he really is. My
mother says he is “asexual.” I say he was scarred by his childhood (his
father left his mother for a man and later died of AIDS). This argument
has been going on for a decade.

I’m not close enough to anyone in my extended family to feel
comfortable bringing this up with my cousin directly or with any of his
immediate relatives, but I feel miserable watching from afar and seeing
A waste his potential for happiness. What I want (and the source of the
basic argument) is for my mother to talk to him — she and A are
very close — but she is convinced that he is “just not
interested” in sex.

Can you think of any loving way to resolve this?

Wishes There Could Be An Intervention

Want an intervention? Stage one yourself. Intervene already and stop
trying to make your mother do it. If you’re not close to your cousin or
your extended family, WTCBAI, then you have nothing to lose. Confront
your cousin, make a scene, save a life.

I am a 21-year-old bisexual female. I’ve never really been close
with my mum, and since I moved away from home three years ago it’s
gotten worse. I know that she loves me because I’m her daughter, but I
don’t think she likes the young adult I’m growing into. Yet she insists
I visit her and stay at her house for weeks when I have time off from
college so she can talk me out of liking anything she hates. When I’m
with my friends, I’m quite witty and outgoing, particularly about sex.
But when I stay with her, my personality becomes crippled and stunted
by her authority. I seem to just end up not saying anything at all for
fear of offending her. Last year I stupidly told her that I like
watching porn, now it’s something that she’s always bringing up. For
example, I got into a conversation with her about a recent breakup and
asked her if all men were like my cheating ex. She told me that she
thought his cheating was my fault — because I watch porn, she
said, I must have been sending out subliminal messages that I approve
of women being sexually exploited.

She raised me to be a feminist, but I can’t bring myself to ask
her if she would kick up this much of a fuss if I were a 21-year-old
man who watched porn. I don’t know what to do to make her happy, short
of having some sort of aversion therapy. I feel really conflicted: Away
from my mother, I feel like a confident, empowered young woman in my
social life and my sex life; when I’m with her, I feel like this mute,
angry, introverted little victim.

I know exactly what I’d do if this were a relationship, but how
should I resolve a difficult mother/daughter relationship?

Can I Dump My Mother?

If hanging out with your mother makes you miserable, CIDMM, don’t
hang out with your fucking mother. You’re a 21-year-old adult —
not a young adult, not someone “growing into” adulthood, but an adult
already — and you’re in no way obligated to spend all of your
free time under your mother’s roof. Head off with your friends over
college breaks, travel, watch porn. (Or better yet: Make some porn
— see thestranger.com/hump for details!)
Head home for the holidays if you must. And since your mother is
inclined to use the details of your personal life that you share with
her against you, don’t tell her anything about your personal life.
Visit with your mother when you’re home, don’t let her depose you.

Could you tell me what the fuck is the deal with those “Jonas”
Brothers? I mean, really: They look like three SHRIMPS!

What’s The Appeal?

I don’t know what the deal is with the Jonas Brothers either, WTA,
but I’m not an eleven-year-old girl, so I don’t think I’m supposed to
see the appeal of the Jonas Brothers.

I don’t think it’s legal for me to see their appeal.

And this probably wouldn’t be legal, but they would sell a lot of
DVDs: I think the Jonas Brothers should lose their hyped-and-pimped
virginities to the Hanson Brothers. It’s not just the perverse symmetry
of it all that appeals — two boy-bands-of-brothers coming
together — but that the Jonas Brothers are now what the Hanson
Brothers were then, and the Hanson Brothers are now what the Jonas
Brothers are destined to become. They were made — manufactured
— for each other. They belong together. A Hanson/Jonas six-way
would bring the country together.

Help me figure this one out: Why are men such douche-drizzling
assholes?

Wish I Ate Pussy Instead

The only reason you think men are assholes — douche-drizzlers
at that — is because you fuck men, WIAPI, and so it’s men who
have hurt your feelings and fucked you over. If you ate pussy, you’d be
fucking women and women would be stomping on your heart and you’d
quickly come to hate women. And if you were a straight man, you’d be
complaining about women; and if you were a fag, you’d be complaining
about men; and if you were bisexual, you’d be complaining about
everyone and everything.

So try to have some perspective and cut men some slack and hang in
there, okay? They drizzle douche, for sure. But so do you — so do
we all.

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