Cooking with Cum

Spermcicles, cream pies, and other gross stuff.

My husband and I have been together for about four years and have
been married for a little over a year. He’s 31; I’m 27. We started out
as friends and soon began a long-distance relationship, until I got
pregnant. We have a great friendship, and honestly I wouldn’t want to
be with anyone else. Here’s our problem: I have the sex drive of a
16-year-old boy, whereas he’s practically asexual. The fact that we
even got pregnant is quite shocking.

Early on, it didn’t bother me much — infrequent sex is
common in long-distance relationships — but now that we’re
married, he would still rather jack off to porn. I’m not hideous. I’m
in great shape, my “amazing ass” gets hit on all the time, and I’m an
open-minded, porn-loving girl — but my husband isn’t interested.
LAME. The sex he does give me is quasi-forced, strictly missionary, and
at most three times a year. But the solo sex he has in front of the
computer while I’m at work happens three times a week at least.
LAMER.

The topic has been discussed often. Especially after I go out
with friends and come home at an indecent hour, upon which I must
explain that I spent the night being chatted up by blokes who noticed
my “amazing ass.” He’s admitted that his sex drive has been a problem
in his previous relationships. I guess I’m just getting to the point
where one of these days, I’m going to fuck a minor-league soccer team.
Any thoughts?

Sexless And Desperate

Your husband — who is beating off three times a week in front
of the computer — is interested in sex, SAD. He’s just not
interested in sex with you or anyone else he’s ever been with. But
ultimately, the issue here isn’t sex. It’s about neglect and
selfishness and false advertising. (When we marry, we’re signing up to
fuck someone at least semiregularly for decades. Not interested in
fucking? Don’t marry.) Since he’s unlikely to change his ways —
his stunted, sexually selfish ways — you have just two options:
an open relationship or a new relationship.

Considering your compatibility and the fact that you have a child,
I’d encourage you to stay together. So an open relationship it is
— and he shouldn’t have a problem with that. If sex doesn’t
matter to him, if he’s indifferent to sex and/or you, then it shouldn’t
matter to him if you occasionally do this supremely unimportant thing
with other people and/or minor-league soccer teams. So long as you’re a
good and loving partner and coparent, and so long as your family is
your first priority, you should be free to seek safe, sane, and
nondisruptive sex elsewhere. Added perk for him: no more quasi-forced
sex with you.

And who knows? Maybe knowing that you’re having sex with other dudes
— or just knowing that you can have sex with other dudes —
will cause your husband to develop a bad case of sperm-competition
syndrome (Google it), and the husband will be inspired, fucking you
three times a week instead of his fist.

I’m 21, female, and pretty experienced. The guy I’m dating now is
23 and a virgin. I’d really like to avoid some of the awkwardness that
I’m sure is going to arise, seeing as I’m his first. (And has arisen
— the first time we attempted to do the deed, he was so nervous
he couldn’t stay hard; he also thought he was “in” when, in reality, he
was humping my leg.) I’m at a loss. Obviously this is going to take a
lot of communication in the moment; aside from that, do you have any
advice for how to make this less awkward for both of us?

First Isn’t Really Sexy Time

Mess around a few times — at least a half a dozen times
— with vaginal penetration off the menu, ratcheting down the
performance anxiety for your boy. Once he’s seen that, yes, his dick
does work — yes we can get hard, yes we can stay hard, yes we can
blow a load with a woman in the room — then you can move on to
vaginal intercourse. And take control, FIRST: Tell him — as
sexily as possible — what you’re going to do before you get
started, tell him what you’re doing while you’re doing it, and then you
can tell him when he’s “in” instead of letting him guess.

And, finally, a little required reading for the virgins out there
and the people who’re about to fuck some sense into them: The Virgin
Project. Illustrators K. D. Boze and Stasia Kato interviewed all sorts
of people — gay, straight, bi; young, old, ancient — about
their loss-of-virginity experiences. The illustrated stories in The
Virgin Project are moving, hilarious, and heartbreaking in turn —
sometimes all three at once — and knowing that everyone’s first
time is awkward, and that some folks’ first times are unpleasant, and
that most of us survive them, might be good for your virgin, FIRST. It
couldn’t hurt you to be reminded of those things, either.

I appreciated your responses to Missing Kisses and Loses Interest
Quickly, and I would like to share what worked for me some years ago
when I wanted to taste my own come but was hesitant — and I’ve
got two follow-up questions for you.

My girlfriend (now wife), like LIQ’s wife, was frustrated that my
come-eating ambitions would disappear after climax. So we figured out a
way for me to eat it before I climaxed: I masturbate into a ziplock bag
and put it in the freezer. Then during our lovemaking session we
retrieve the baggie — she feeds it to me in frozen chunks, or she
lays the frozen pieces on her body and I lick it up as it melts,
preclimax of course. Because of these baby steps, now on special
occasions I even eat it “fresh” after I’ve come in her.

Two questions: Could home-frozen sperm — stored for 24
hours or so in a regular household freezer — impregnate my wife?
And if so, is there a risk of birth defects or miscarriage? Also, we
are interested in using my ejaculate as an ingredient in cooking
— are you aware of any legit recipes that use human
semen?

Coming Around To Cream Pies

Frozen spermcicles gross me out, CATCP, and I arrive at this debate
with a real affection for the stuff. So I can’t imagine your idea will
catch on, even among guys like you and LIQ. Another reader had a better
idea: a little tantric woo-woo. “Through specific breathing patterns
and concentration, you can make yourself come without ejaculating; or,
you can ejaculate a little and still be hard,” writes Mr. F. “I can
bring myself to a ‘mini-orgasm’ where I just slightly come on my
girlfriend’s tits, go right back to riding her again, and tease her by
licking a bit off. She loves it.”

As for your questions …

“Sperm frozen in a household freezer would probably be useless for
insemination,” says David E. Battaglia, an associate professor at
Oregon Health & Science University and a fertility consultant. “The
issue isn’t genetic damage (there probably wouldn’t be any). The issue
is sperm survival. Sperm has to be frozen in special solutions in order
to survive, and we freeze it in liquid-nitrogen temperatures.”

And while I’ve never cooked with sperm — if it’s not in Mark
Bittman’s How to Cook Everything, it was either meant to be eaten raw
or not at all — there’s a cookbook out there for you: Natural
Harvest: A Collection of Semen-Based Recipes.

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