City of Oakland’s New Job Application

Oakland Mayor Ron Dellums recently unveiled a proposal under which people applying for city jobs would no longer be asked whether they’ve ever been convicted of a crime. In other words, the mayor would like the city to open its doors to hiring ex-cons. Which is laudable. After all, where else are they going to find decent-paying work? But just to be safe, the amended application will contain a series of replacement questions:

Do you have issues with the concept of private property?

Have you ever dismembered a family member?

Have you, or any close associate, ever beat a hopper bloody for messing with your stash?

Ever shot a neighbor’s cat and left it on their doorstep to discourage snitching?

A scenario: You’re working in the city asset forfeiture warehouse and come across three kilos of methamphetamine sitting on a shelf. Do you a) leave it be; b) snort it all on the spot; or c) swap it for your friend’s El Camino?

In a clutch, think you could fashion a decent shank from a plastic spork?

Would you prefer to be paid in cash, or cigarettes?

Have you ever voted for Ignacio De La Fuente?

Disclaimer for the extremely gullible: The questions above are satirical. That means they are made up. No need to complain to your city council member.

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