Ass-o-phobes, Three-Ways, and Sarah Palin

I dropped by four large universities last week — University of
Lethbridge in Alberta, State University of New York-Albany, University
of Maryland, and University of Alaska-Anchorage — to do “Savage
Love Live,” the college-speaking-gig version of my sex-advice column. I
enjoyed visiting all four campuses and, as ever, learned a few things
out on the road. (Brinking? Who knew?)

People submit questions — the ones they don’t want to be seen
asking — on three-by-five-inch cards at the events. Sadly, I
couldn’t get to everyone’s questions at the U’s of L, NY-A, M, and A-A.
Here are answers to some of the questions I missed.

At what point in a relationship is it “safe” to have an open
relationship?

There’s no standard gestation period for an open relationship, no
set period of time that you have to spend in the exclusivity pod. In my
experience, however, the most successful open relationships I’ve
witnessed — with “success” here defined as “long-lasting,” which
is kind of arbitrary (can we all get behind the idea that a
relationship can be short-lived and still be a success?) — were
sexually exclusive for at least a year, sometimes longer, at the
outset.

When asked, “How do you make anal sex more comfortable for
women?” by Marie Claire magazine, Dr. Drew Pinsky said, “Don’t
do it. Your butt will leak when you’re old.” (I am paraphrasing.) My
question: Is Dr. Drew homophobic?

Dr. Drew isn’t a homophobe. He’s an asshole-o-phobe — and a
BDSM-o-phobe, a premarital-sex-o-phobe, a three-way-o-phobe, etc.
Basically, when it comes to human sexuality, there’s not a lot of
daylight between Dr. Drew and Pope Benedict XVI. And I’ll let you in on
a little secret: Odds are good that your ass is going to leak when
you’re old, anyway — I’ll betcha the pope’s ass is leaking all
over the throne of St. Peter right now — so you might as well
enjoy it while you can.

I’m a 24-year-old male who has been out for eleven years. I’ve
been into this guy “Joe” for several years, but I always assumed he was
out of my league. We recently started hooking up. I’m totally into him,
and it’s amazing. But for some reason, I can’t stay hard. I don’t know
what’s wrong with me. Do I have ED? I have no health insurance and am
not sure what to do.

If you’re not having trouble keeping it up when you’re alone, and
you didn’t have trouble keeping it up with other guys, you’re probably
just nervous. You like this guy, he’s way hot, the stakes are high, and
a little routine performance anxiety is chasing away your boners. If
Joe is continuing to hook up with you despite your inability to keep it
up for him, well, then he’s not only a hot dude but a patient one as
well — and a dude who’s into you, too. So take a deep breath, try
to relax, and enjoy.

How do you become a nationally syndicated sex-advice
columnist?

I’m not telling. Because one sure way to stop being a nationally
syndicated sex-advice columnist is to create a lot of competitors.

When Sue Johanson was here, she spoke against trying anal sex,
due to damages, etc. What would you tell people?

I would tell people to refrain from fucking Sue Johanson in the ass
— and please don’t fuck Dr. Drew’s ass, either. They both seem as
terrified of anal sex as they are ignorant about it — and tense,
inept people can hurt themselves engaging in anal sex. And if their
asses start to leak in old age, I don’t want either of them to be able
to pin the blame on anal sex.

We are a couple in a long-term committed relationship and have
casually considered the possibility of a three-way. It would have to be
with someone neither of us knew (or saw) to reduce any chance of an
emotional attachment. Good idea?

Three-ways with complete strangers are kind of difficult to arrange
— unless you’re willing to go the rent-a-third route. But if you
want to have a three-way with someone trustworthy and safe, you’re
better off doing it with an acquaintance or an ex.

When did you first realize you were LGBTQ, and how did people
react to that? Did you struggle to find support?

I didn’t realize I was L, B, T, and Q until I arrived in
Albany. And I’m not sure how friends and family are going to react to
my recently discovered lesbianism, bisexuality, impending transition,
and questioning status — question: now that I’m LGB and T
what outstanding Qs could there be? — but I expect they will be
supportive. Just as confused as I am, but nevertheless supportive.

Did Sarah Palin ever get back to you about your offer to be her
gay friend?

No, she didn’t — but the offer is still on the table. I’m here
for you, Sarah.

Please assign new salacious definitions to the following terms,
which are near and dear to the hearts of UM students: “Cornerstone,”
“Fear the Turtle,” and “Diamondbacking.”

Cornerstone: When you get high in order to break through a sexual
inhibition — like when pot helps you “turn a corner” sexually.
“Sue wanted to peg her boyfriend Drew, but he just couldn’t do it until
he got cornerstoned.”

Fear the Turtle: What a woman experiences when she realizes halfway
through vaginal intercourse that her bowels are full and her enjoyment
of the sex has been superseded by her fear of crapping the bed. “Sue
had to ask Drew to stop fucking her because she feared the turtle. She
got on the can for a minute, then hopped back in bed, and no longer
feared the turtle.”

Diamondbacking: Consenting to anal sex in the hopes that doing so
will inspire a boyfriend to propose. “Sue knew that Drew was totally
into anal sex, so she let him diamondback her. Now they’re
engaged.”

I’m a lesbian, and my girlfriend is bisexual and wants to have a
three-way with a man. This makes me nervous. What should I do?

Get yourself a refillable Xanax prescription, or get yourself an
actual lesbian girlfriend.

If she hasn’t orgasmed yet, will she ever?

Yes, but probably with someone else.

Thanks again to all four universities for bringing my skanky ass to
their campuses last week. My primary mission when I do these events, of
course, is to undo in an evening the damage done by abstinence
educators over the course of many years. But the events are always a
blast. If you want me to come to your school, get in touch with Keppler
Speakers at sa********@*************rs.com.
I’m looking forward to my upcoming gigs at Liberty University, Brigham
Young University, and University of Notre Dame.