3:00 a.m. Any Sleepless Night: Best Way to Cure Your Insomnia

Soulbeat, KSBT, Channel 29

When the Hello Kitty clock tolls at 3 o’clock in the morning, the insomniac knows that it tolls for she. Sleepy Time tea, warm baths, and relaxation techniques (unless accompanied by copious amounts of ganja) are useless. There are just two remedies for the troubled insomniac. One is a prescription for sleeping pills, and by the way, the last thing the insomniac wants to see while trying to drift off is ads for Ambien. The second antidote is bad television. Although late-night TV is beloved by security guards, speed freaks, and the horny and restless wanting to talk to a Live College Girl!!, the true insomniac knows that Soulbeat commercials are the best panacea for sleeplessness in the wee hours. What the ads on this local cable station lack in finesse and artistry, they make up for with grainy weirdness. Although the same commercials run during the day, they take on a punchy, surreal quality when you’re sleep-deprived. They’re also a welcome distraction for insomniacs who stay awake all night fretting about world affairs: “Why is that person wearing a gorilla suit?” you ask yourself. “What are they trying to pitch? Yaaawn.” An ad for Scotty’s Liquor Store intrigues: “A beer sale? Tomorrow? (Or is that simply later today?) Let me mark that in my datebook. Gosh, I’m tired all of a sudden.” And before you can say “Seconal,” you’re in dreamland.

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