I wonder how annoyed my students might be if they knew that for the seven years I’ve taught college English in Oakland and San Francisco, I was keeping a logbook of their gaffes and foibles. If any former students are reading this — sorry, guys! But hey, everybody makes mistakes. The following literary bloopers come verbatim from my classes in literature, composition, business writing, and English as a second language.
An A for Effort
• As usual, it was a conflict between the states and the feral government.
• We are one nation under God, according to our four fathers.
• My new car looked great, but it made an offal sound.
• An American boy was canned in Singapore.
• I wonder what it was like when the universe began with a big boom.
• Bone appetite!
Personal Revelations
• There’s nothing I love better than a midnight snake.
• I hope the seeds of peace will spray all over the world.
• As a young child, I was an odd ball.
• I need to increase my self-steam.
• Sometimes I worry that my daughter will turn into a drug attic.
• I think that the government is washing people’s brains.
• I sprang my wrist.
• My mother is finally eating the fruits of her labor.
• I had to pea so badly!
• I had to learn about my girlfriend in butts and pieces.
• I insist that my children will Finnish high school.
• I plan to recruit a Tudor to help me with my writing.
• I will try to curve my bad habits.
Archie Bunkerisms
• Children tend to believe that the world is an oyster.
• Men are expected to grab the bull by the horns and kiss her.
• It’s a morality of “eye for an eye, ear for an ear.”
• This is a movie that will really blow your mind up.
• Riddles can make us think beyond a box.
• This will not become a problem if we nip it in the mud.
• As FDR said, we have nothing to fear but ourselves.
True Enough
• Big companies don’t care if their TV commercials are exploding little girls!
• Many cultures around the world regard the face as an important body part.
• Now that Chinese people could afford it, the VCR became a hot cake.
• Most people want to maintain the starter’s quo.
• Poe was a cleaver writer.
• Good teachers pay a tension to our students … they can help the students stay interesting in school.
• Everyone loves sex, just as poets do.
• My uncle made us children laugh with his facial jesters.
• The world must vanish racism!
• Men and women are involved in a battle of the sexies.
• There was a police officer correcting the traffic.
• This restaurant served a wild variety of seafood.
• The owner of that restaurant is a roll model.
• The Civil War greatly affected Emily Dickinson’s cannon.
• The writer has quite a formattible argument.
• There were many American shows on TV, but I had to work, so this was a mute point.
• For most arranged marriages, the selected groom will be a goon match for the bride.
• The Greeks wanted women only for breading purposes.
• Black people were portrayed as lustful and glutinous.
• Children are increasingly wild and weird.
Appreciating Literature
• Titania had love for Bottom’s ass.
• Midsummer Night’s Dream is a lightheaded comedy.
• Richard Wright wanted to be a wrighter.
• Richard Wright’s hatred towards his father is unbelievable and unexplainable but understandable.
• Richard Wright was the valid Victorian of his class.
• Walt Whitman’s subjects range from spiders to sex to New York.
• Emily Dickinson had an unspeakable romance.
• Being a woman, Emily Dickinson was inundated with men.
• H.L. Mencken is very self-riotous.
• Dickinson writes about life as a dead person.
• Edgar Allan Poe writes about the spiritual and financial worlds.
• The writer threw in a hidden massage.
Spell-Check Disasters
• Saddam Hussein is a treat to our nation.
• With so much pressure on us these days, every student needs to clam before a test.
• Emily Dickinson’s poetry can be summed up in one word: bazaar!
• It was as if I had a guardian angle!
• This will really help society as a hole.
• I give this movie “two thumps up!”
• Saddam Hussein might be building unclear bombs!
• I’d better clam down!
• These days, women are all expected to be slime.
• Most large corporations have a chief excessive officer.
• Chelsea Clinton is Bill Clinton’s doubter.
• The world’s favorite soft drink is Cock Cola.
Creative Metaphors
• Daniel crushed me to him like a mother gorilla protecting her child.
• Words without pictures are like birds without cages.
• I opened my eyes and rose from bed like a little chicken looking for her mother.
• The old ladies were staring into space like robots on a secret mission.
• His car was loose and sloppy like eggs over easy when you cut into them.
Poetic Licensure
• Questions and insecurities jabbed at my helpless flesh.
• We announced our wish to be married before God over a microphone.
• The music is so happy that it is basically impossible to keep your toes from jumping, your head from swinging, and an ear-to-ear grin all over your face.
• He had a look on his face that could only come from someone who had just laughed his ass off.
Poignant Observations
• Childhood is an incredibly important period in the life of a developing child.
• One important character in Richard Wright’s autobiography is none other than Richard Wright himself.
• Midsummer Night’s Dream is an imaginary world that Shakespeare imagines.
• Shelley writes about his personal ideas from his own conscious mental perspective.
• This autobiography was written by the author and about the author.
• Decisions decide everything.
• It’s thought-provoking and it makes us think.
• Our manager managed with a level-headed head.
• The writer supports his reasons with many good reasons.
• Many poets enjoy writing about life.
• Thai food originated in Thailand.
Timeless Aphorisms
• We should never jump into the fire without a frying pan.
• All that glitters is not worth its weight in gold.
• Unlike most adults, children are imaginary.
• Even the holidays are sad when you are laminating over a lost love.
• In America, everyone loves movie stars and high-class socialists.
• Most cultures have a time when everyone gathers together to eat a freshly slaughtered cow.
• Literature will live on in the past, presence, and future.
• A good waitress will constantly replenish your fluids.
• In China, a wedding planner is a commodity, not a calamity.
• To be free from the monkey of the world on your back is to lose a load of bananas.
