Maybe we’re just obsessed with Rossmoor all the time, but the Chron‘s John Koopman has a magnificent piece about how residents of the massive retirement community are about to embark upon a bloody spree of murder and mayhem. According to the Chron, woodpeckers have been busy drilling holes in the residents’ homes to store nuts for the winter. Angry homeowners have tried all sorts of non-lethal devices to scare away the birds: robot spiders, recordings of woodpeckers being horribly devoured by predators, you name. Nothing has worked. So Rossmoor has finally received permission from the Fish and Wildlife Service to start killing them. Well, fifty of them, at least. And how will Rossmoor’s managers murder their woodpeckers? Do they plan to set elaborate traps? Poison their acorns? No. They plan to hire a sharpshooter, who will silently stalk the retirement campus, crouching near the sandtraps and mah jong tables, getting a bead on the little fuckers and turning ’em into woodpecker goulash. Like we said, great story!