Are you tired of electoral politics as usual? Fed up with poll-tested platforms and candidate statements so carefully parsed so as not to offend that they all sound like the same bland drivel? Then give these fine folks a gander! Once again, campaign season has brought out the wacky fringe candidates, and their unedited rants and goofy malapropisms can all be found in this year’s entertaining California Voter Guide. Test your civics acumen with the pop quiz below. Simply match the loopy campaign statement quotation with the third-party candidate who wrote it. Winners will receive a teak-framed copy of the California Constitution, amended to reflect the state of the state should any of these jokers ever end up in power.
1. “My most recent crusade is the legalization of the domestic ferret in California. … For being visible and outspoken, I’ve had one ferret confiscated at his vet and euthanized, and armed agents broke down my door to seize my other ferrets. While ferrets are not an important issue to most Californians, how government works should be.”
2. “In 1997, before my eyes, something happened to me which crushed me like a piece of paper: My beloved son was murdered, shot, in my own home — a casualty of crack, a victim of the drug war. From that moment on, I resolved to make myself tougher than steel, for the sake of justice and human rights. Who am I? A certified financial manager with over twenty years of auditing experience with the US government.”
3. “I would encourage businesses to put full walls and doors on public restroom stalls. Don’t laugh; as I understand it, Barbara Boxer made banning pay toilets a major theme of her campaign.”
4. “Seeking a better alternative? Do we ignore Milton Friedman, Herbert Spencer, Gene Roddenberry — some of my favorite philosophers — at our peril?”
5. “If we don’t change directions, we’ll end up where we are going. And that’s scary.”
6. “The providence of the God of Abraham, Jacob, and Isaac has blessed our land, and will continue as long as we anchor ourselves in God’s providence. It is government’s task to project and govern through these moral truths. Therefore, I do not support a moralless secular-humanist agenda whose true objective is to overthrow Western Civilization as we know it. Secular humanists, abortionists, nor socialists need not apply at my door of the office of _____________. If God is with me in this effort, then who can be against me?”
A. Gary David Copeland, Libertarian for governor
B. Jim King, American Independent for lieutenant governor
C. Donna J. Warren, Green for lieutenant governor
D. Jeanne-Marie Rosenmeier, Green for treasurer
E. Ed Kuwatch, Libertarian for attorney general
F. Pat Wright, Libertarian for lieutenant governor
Answers: 1-F. 2-C. 3-E. 4-A. 5-D. 6-B.