Diff’rent Quotes

Dozens of Californians reregistered as "Decline to State" to get Gary on the ballot. We asked some why.

Fred Sereno, 38, drum technician, Fremont

“I was a big fan of the Drummonds, and I always thought there was something very Clintonesque about Arnold. That’s reason enough, isn’t it?”

Brad Weiner, 28, unemployed, Pinole

“About five years ago I was stealing CDs, when all the sudden this security guard comes flying through the air and tackles my ass to the ground. It was Gary Coleman. I think he’d make for a great, no-frills, tough-on-crime governor.”

Sally Westerbrook, 39, collectibles dealer, Hayward

“I asked myself, ‘Do I want to witness a live televised debate where one of the candidate podiums is so small and cute that it could actually fit into a dollhouse?’ And I said, ‘Yes. I do. I really do. ‘”

Frank Faradday, 34, electrician, Concord

“With Gary Coleman in office, we’ll never have another energy crisis. The guy has tons of it.”

Matthew Conroy, 52, salesman, Alameda

“Call it the eBay factor. Do you have any fuckin’ idea what my Gary Coleman ballot stub will go for?”

Sara Jemison, 41, sex therapist, Union City

“I’m 41, and Gary Coleman running for governor sends quivers through my body like I haven’t felt since David Fraggoni pinned me against the high school backstop and … I shouldn’t be telling you this.”

Ta yelel chan k’ihnich, 42, flower arranger, Berkeley

“Three words: Gay. Mayan. Marriage.” (See “Gary’s Plan”)

Kevin Jones, 37, convenience store clerk, Oakland

“I’m dyslexic, so I’ve been confusing ‘Gray’ and ‘Gary’ for years. I figured, what the hell, let’s make this a crapshoot.”

Tammy Fredrickson, 38, tennis instructor, Lafayette

“I voted for Reagan. I voted for Wilson. I voted for Simon. I see no reason to stop voting for two-syllable candidates.”

Zev Alexander, 40, trucker, Newark

“People say every vote for Gary Coleman takes a ‘real’ vote from one of the so-called legitimate candidates. I always tell ’em, ‘Sch-yeah. The world is illegitimate, pal. ‘”

Tony Hall, 22, car detailer, El Cerrito

“I’m voting for Gary because I’m hoping one of those ancient honkies’ll kick the bucket and Coleman will put Chris Rock on the Supreme Court.”

Angela Lin, 30, programmer, walnut creek

“If we’re going to pay 35 million bucks for a recall, we should get something out of it. The chance to vote for Gary accounts for about five bucks. So where’s the rest?”

Previous articleMurder in Pod B, Cell 9
Next articleThe Whole Hog
Support the East Bay Express, local news, donate
18,654FansLike
0FollowersFollow
67,429FollowersFollow

Newsletter sign-up

eLert sign-up

Oakland
broken clouds
48 ° F
51 °
45 °
85 %
3.8mph
59 %
Tue
61 °
Wed
63 °
Thu
63 °
Fri
66 °
Sat
72 °