Death Row Is the Label That Pays Me

Stuff you need to know about to avoid cultural ostracism.

TV Party

We hereby change the name of the HBO series Big Love to Bill Paxton’s Ass with Occasional Drama.

Hope you hadn’t bought any merchandise.

Sporting Concerns

The A’s stadium blasting Radiohead’s “Paranoid Android” just before the first pitch of their home opener against the Yankees.

Ambition makes Barry Zito look pretty ugly.

Internet Dalliance

Searching YouTube.com for amateur videos of doofish suburban teenagers “ghost-riding the whip.”

That fire hydrant never stood a chance.

Solemn Memorials

The life-size wax statue of Tupac Shakur currently on display in Las Vegas.

If you put a dollar in the bonus square and get a first-hand blackjack, you win a free chance to shoot it in the testicles.

Herculean Struggles

Finally losing a nearly-decade-long battle and admitting you like Belle & Sebastian.

Ah, don’t take it so hard. We had a good run.

Financial Strife

Death Row files for bankruptcy

Following Enron’s lead, Suge Knight should open a secondhand store called “Jus’ Stuff Sold by a Guy Who Once Dangled Vanilla Ice Off a Building.”

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