Dan Savage: Slugs in the Garden

An alarming orgasm, a horny sexagenarian, and an unwanted foot fetish.

I’m a professional dominatrix, and I thought I’d seen everything in the last five years. But this situation completely baffled the entire dungeon. This middle-aged guy booked an appointment with me and my colleague for one hour of some very light play and a golden shower to finish off with. We did no CBT, no cock rings, no trauma to the dick area at all, nothing that could have caused this reaction. We brought him into the bathroom, and he laid down on his back, jerking off with a condom on his penis as my buddy was standing over him and peeing. He came and… it was entirely blood. He did not seem alarmed or in pain. He did not remark on it to either of us! Is this person a monster or a vampire? Is he dying? Seriously.

— Mistress Echo

“You can tell Mistress Echo that her client was not a monster or a vampire, and he is likely not dying anytime soon,” said Dr. Stephen H. King, a board-certified urologist. “What she observed is a person with hematospermia, meaning blood in the semen.”

While the sight is alarming, Dr. King assures me that it’s nothing to worry about, as hematospermia is almost always benign.

“The vast majority of the semen actually comes from the prostate and the seminal vesicles, which are located deep in the pelvis just behind and below the bladder, respectively,” said Dr. King. “Very little of the ejaculate fluid actually originates from the testicles,” which primarily pump out hormones and sperm cells. “The prostate gland and seminal vesicles (also glands) store up the fluids and can become overdistended with long periods of abstinence and prone toward micro tearing and bleeding in this circumstance.”

Blowing regular loads doesn’t just lower your risk for prostate cancer, as multiple studies have shown, it also lowers your risk for filling condoms with blood and alarming your friendly neighborhood pro-Dom.

“Also, these glands are lined by smooth muscle that contracts to force out the fluid [during ejaculation],” Dr. King continued. “If the force of contraction is excessive — a fucking great orgasm — this may lead toward rupture of some of the surrounding blood vessels and blood will enter the semen.”

“In my practice, most guys who see blood in their ejaculate the first time are sufficiently freaked out to seek immediate medical attention, and their doctors usually tell them this isn’t something to worry about — unless it persists,” said Dr. King. “In cases where the hematospermia persists, gets worse, or is associated with other symptoms such as pain, difficulty urinating, or general health decline, medical attention is definitely recommended.”

If blood loads have happened to him before, proper etiquette dictates that he should have said something to you about it afterward. If it happens to him regularly, he should have warned you in advance.

I’m an old guy, 68 years old to be exact. I’ve always been a pretty horny person. I figured that as I got older, my horniness would lessen. Trouble is, I don’t seem to be less horny. I find myself attracted to women in their 30s or 40s, but I wonder how I appear to them. I don’t want to make an utter fool of myself by making an unwanted advance — but the truth is, I’m still pretty hot to trot. What do I do?

— Not Ready For The Nursing Home

You could see sex workers, you could look for women in their 30s or 40s who are attracted to guys pushing 70, you could date women in their 50s or 60s with a youthful appearance and/or attitude, or you could do all of the above. But you shouldn’t regard moving into a nursing home as the end of your sex life. I’m constantly reading news reports about sexually transmitted disease epidemics in nursing homes and retirement communities. People may not like to think about the elderly having sex — and the elderly apparently don’t think about protection (or they’re denied access to it) — but lots of old fuckers are still fucking.

My husband has a foot fetish. The feel of his tongue between my toes when he “worships” my feet doesn’t arouse me in the least. Rather, it feels like I’m stepping on slugs in the garden barefoot. Our sex life is fine otherwise. I resolved to grin and bear this odd aspect of his sexuality before we married, but I cannot continue to do so. When I told him this, he asked to be allowed to attend “foot model” parties. There wouldn’t be intercourse, but he would pleasure himself in the presence of these foot models. This would, in my opinion, violate our monogamous commitment. Please advise.

— Throwing Off Expectations

While “love unconditionally” sounds nice, TOE, monogamy was a condition of yours going into this marriage, and being able to express this aspect of his sexuality was a stated or implicit condition of his. If you’re going to unilaterally alter the terms and conditions of your marriage, then you’ll need to reopen negotiations and come to a new agreement with your husband, one that works for both of you. (Jesus, lady, let him go to the fucking party!)

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