Please settle a difference of opinion that stumped our small
group at the coffee shop: Why do guys wear socks on their feet in porn?
I say it’s a tradition. My friends claim it is a foot-fetish thing. My
credibility rides on this, so thanks for answering.
Socked In Denver
Socks in porn a tradition? Sorry, SID, but no. Socks on feet in porn
— as opposed to socks on cocks? — are like zits on butts in
porn or track marks on arms in porn. They’re incidental, not
traditional. And unless someone licks socked feet or the socks are
removed and used as gags, they’re not a “foot-fetish thing.” So it
appears that neither you nor your friends have any credibility on porn
attire, SID.
I was recently on an airplane seated next to a man talking on his
cell phone. The man stated that he “was excited to use his new strap-on
tonight!” It made me wonder why and how a guy would use a strap-on.
Wouldn’t he just use his own penis? When I glanced over at this guy,
because I wasn’t sure how a man would use a strap-on, he told his
caller he had to go as he was getting the “stink-eye” from me. I wasn’t
disgusted, just curious because he acted like this was a normal toy for
guys, not to mention an appropriate conversation to have on an
airplane. All my gay friends were stumped, too. I was wondering if you
could solve this mystery.
Stink-Eye In 12E
The most obvious answer: The strap-on was a late Christmas gift
presented to him to be used on him, not by him. A slightly less-obvious
answer: Some small-dicked men — ones who are not at all insecure
— use strap-ons on partners who enjoy a “filled-up” feeling from
time to time. The least obvious answer: The man on the airplane was a
female-to-male transsexual who, like a lot of forward-thinking FTMs,
declined to get an expensive phalloplasty during his transition and the
pretty much nonfunctional penis a phalloplasty “endows” an FTM with.
Instead, he invested in a high-quality, looks-like-a-prick,
feels-like-a-sneaker strap-on.
If your gay friends couldn’t come up with any of these answers,
SEI12E, you need smarter, more insightful, more credible gay
friends.
Longtime reader, first-time writer.
In last week’s column, there was a letter from JON, a young,
just-out gay kid who is not ready for anal sex. Please excuse a
question from a naive but well-meaning/curious straight guy… but what
other kinds of gay sex are there? Just hands-on and oral, kind of like
what us hetero folks do? Or are there other things that would blow my
plain-vanilla-sex mind?
Dumb-Ass White Guy
You mean straight people haven’t heard of ear-holin’ and
nose-bangin’ and socket-fuckin’ and piss-slittin’ and ann-coulterin’?
You gotta get out more, DAWG.
Actually, there are no mysterious gay sex acts, nothing that we can
do that you can’t do better. And there are things we can’t do at all.
We can call it “boypussy” and “mangina” all we want, but two gay men
aren’t going to do vaginal intercourse as well as a hetero couple, and
lesbians who want to snowball have to resort to cream-cheese frosting
cut with a little skim milk. The only pronounced difference between gay
and straight sex — besides the hotness — is that most gay
folks regard “hands-on” and oral as “real sex,” not as disappointing
consolation prizes we’re handed when “real” sex, i.e., fucking, isn’t
in the offing.
Straight people — particularly straight men — would do
well to emulate queers in this regard. The more things you consider
“real” sex, and the more things you consider hot sex, the more real,
hot sex you’ll be having.
Dan, your advice to LIMP — the man who was reluctant to use
a vibrator on/with his wife — was right on! I’m a 34-year-old
woman who needs a vibrator to get off, and for years I felt
“defective.” My husband didn’t exactly help at first, but he eventually
asked me to show him how I did it. He wanted to try. Bingo — the
look on my face was all he needed; he was a convert from that moment
on.
One of his issues with the vibrator, though, was the phallic
shape; he felt like it was replacing him. Many men don’t like vibrators
for that reason. It’s bigger, harder, and lasts longer — all of
that can intimidate a guy. But you can buy tiny vibrators that are just
a couple of inches long, egg-shaped ones, and butterfly-shaped ones.
LIMP should visit his local adult-toy shop with his wife and pick out a
silly one that doesn’t compete.
Bottom line: She has been brave enough to share her needs with
you. Would you prefer it if she faked it for your entire marriage and
quietly took care of herself in private?
Nothing Beats A Good Buzz
Thanks for sharing, NBAGB.
SADDLEBACKING DEFINED: The votes are in, the people have spoken, our
democratic ideals are renewed. But first: Anyone who picks up the
January 24 issue of The Economist — I pick it up every
week for the “Page 3 Boy,” sudoku puzzle, and horoscopes — will
find this lead paragraph to a story about Barack Obama’s
inauguration.
“Any decision Barack Obama makes can cause a stir. He invited Rick
Warren, a popular pastor, to say a few words at his inauguration. The
aim was to stroke conservative Christians, thereby fostering a warm
feeling of national unity. But some of Mr. Obama’s gay supporters were
appalled. Though hardly a fire-breather by the standards of Southern
Baptists, Mr. Warren holds old-fashioned views about homosexuality.
Bloggers lamented Mr. Obama’s ‘betrayal.’ Dan Savage, a gay columnist,
urged his readers to protest by coining a new meaning for ‘Saddleback’
— the name of Mr. Warren’s church. Many of the suggestions were
unprintable.”
Many of them were unprintable? Not true, Economites. I printed all
of them right here in this space. So it’s not that the suggestions
themselves were unprintable — there’s not one single profanity in
the lot — it’s that you poofs just don’t have the balls to print
them. That’s very different.
And now … without further delay … the winning definition of
“saddleback” … by a gaping margin … definition number 5.
“Saddlebacking: the phenomenon of Christian teens engaging in
unprotected anal sex in order to preserve their virginities.” After
attending the Purity Ball, Heather and Bill saddlebacked all night
because she’s saving herself for marriage.
Here’s why this definition is perfect: Saddlebacking, like
barebacking, involves one person riding up on another’s backside. But
in this case, it’s not the bare-naked cock-in-ass that’s the most
important feature of the ride, but the fact that the person being
ridden has been saddled — thanks to the efforts of the Rick
Warrens of this world — with religious hang-ups and serious
misconceptions about sex. Like the barebacker who casually tosses away
his health — or his partner’s health — because he believes,
quite erroneously, that “risky = sexy,” the saddlebacker offers up her
ass because she believes, quite erroneously, that she can get fucked in
the ass — vigorously, religiously — and still be considered
a virgin on her wedding night.
I’ve set up a website — www.saddlebacking.com — to
popularize the new definition. (Get to work, Google bombers!) Spread
the URL far and wide, please, and let’s get this term into common usage
as quickly as possible.
