I’m a 45-year-old straight woman in a monogamous relationship with a 48-year-old straight man. One thing that keeps playing over in my mind is something he said to me three months into our relationship. He spent the night for the first time at my place. We were laying in my bed the next morning when his phone beeped. He read a text and then said, “That was my friend Susan. I can’t wait for you to meet her. I think you’re really gonna like her—oh, and she sucked my dick 25 years ago at a rest stop in New Jersey.” It turns out “Susan” is his best friend. This was the first thing I knew about her. When I asked why he told me this, his response was that he was half asleep. He wasn’t. When I pressed further he told me it was something that happened a long time ago and that they laugh about it now but then told me it was none of my business! I agree! It’s none of my business! So why did he feel the need to tell me? Then he told me Susan can never know I know because she would feel humiliated. But that’s exactly how I feel! Are Susan’s feelings more of a priority to him than mine? I’ve hung out with him and Susan three times. I have asked if we can get together again, as a group, so I would feel less insecure about the times they get together without me, but there’s always some excuse for why it’s not possible. It’s been a long time since I’ve been in a relationship, and I’ve invested a year in this man. He is a decent guy, but this nags at me.
—Boyfriend’s Long-Ago Blowjob
Your boyfriend was either playing head games or lacked the emotional intelligence and/or impulse control to realize why sharing something like that, at a moment like that, was a bad idea. If he’s the kind of guy who enjoys tormenting women, BLAB, he would’ve done similar or worse things by now. (And a woman he dated a quarter of a century ago probably wouldn’t be one of his closest friends.) Assuming he hasn’t done similar or worse, perhaps he deserves the benefit of the doubt here: he said something stupid and thoughtless, he couldn’t come up with a good explanation for why he said it, and doesn’t like to be reminded of it. As for Susan … he’s known her for 25 years. If he wanted to be with her, he’d be with her. And he may be reluctant to get together as a group because he worries that you might bring it up. If he’s given you no other reason to suspect he might be cheating on you, cram this ancient blowjob down the memory hole.
firstname.lastname@example.org. Follow Dan on Twitter @FakeDanSavage. On the Savage Lovecast, Dan chats with Adam Sass, author of “Surrender Your Sons,” an escape from conversion camp thriller. www.savagelovecast.com